" THE " Anniversary !!

                                Today is the anniversary of my precious son Zeb's home going.
  My thoughts are never far from the new reality of this new life I (we) live now with his precious presence gone from me (us). I have been holding a vigil in prep for this  night as this year got closer to the Day. What used to be a count down to Christmas and all that is related to it has now been replaced with a countdown to a meeting in a cemetery to gather with family/friends and remember my precious young son. This gathering born out of deep pain and  dread of a night that surly had to be sent from hell itself is now a yearly trek through a cold and dark place of rest for the departed .
  Please come with me if you will as I walk you through to our place of respect and remembrance of a young life now past. As a mother would pack her bag in prep for a hospital stay to deliver her child I pack my bag for a walk to a bench at the end of a lane in a cemetery. The bag has no clothes or slippers the usual attire for a hospital stay it has candles and matches or a lighter,  maybe a wreath to hang on a shepherd's crook next to a black granite bench with the inscription of my precious boys name, birth date, and the date of his leaving, and a photo of him etched in. The Inscription also holds a small portion of a Poem I found soon after his death that was so fitting . I prepare myself with camera and prayers as we go to the car, my husband and I, to drive the forty five minutes to our memorial vigil at the hour of his death. The weather is cold and we never know what it will be for us until the night. My family members live closer and they too are prepping and headed with what ever memorial things they want to share to bring some blessing to a night we all wish had never happened.
   We arrive and park across from the cemetery , locked chains are up so people can't drive in. We gather our things, tuck our warm gear around us and cross the fence and begin the walk down the lane. We respect the other graves that hold the loved ones of other's gone before. We have crossed snow and ice in the last 4 years of doing this. We have encountered freezing temps to a minus 20 and watched as our breath almost froze leaving our mouths and nostrils. We walk, we talk, we even laugh. As we go down the lane to this meeting place we pass my mom's place of rest (leave a lit candle), the family plot, where lies two baby siblings and an adult brother who died New Years eve, 42 years ago. We are not new to death you see. We pass more headstones and finally get to the grave at the end of the lane to where my son's body lies, his bench a marker of where his journey called life came to rest.

    It is here we gather and we remember the love we had, the dreams we will never see come to be for him. It is here we shed tears and stand in disbelief together and speak prayers of gratitude for his life. We speak of the gift we received in this life because of his life. We light our candles and we pray and thank God for the knowledge we will see this precious one again, praise God that he is not struggling and in pain. Thank God he is free and whole and safe.
  Then I drop and make a snow angel as I once did with him so many years ago . I kneel by that bench and remember the gift I worked to bring into this world at birth. He was an easier birth from my other three, but this is not easy. An hour has passed , pictures taken, memories laid down as if they are things you can see. I wonder how many other graves have unseen memories laid down in front of the headstones, benches, markers, not seen by our eyes? We slowly begin to take leave, some more ready to go, some of us holding back. I hate to leave some how it is more final and sure of what I already know is true. Just a few more hours now and we will be headed to the nights remembrance , my heart is empty in places and torn , new seepage of bleeding awakened.
  Prayers are uttered in my heart that this would not be real. Futile for sure but a real prayer. So for now as the poem is on his bench I remember : He has slipped the surly bonds of earth, He has reached out his hands and touched the face of God!.
 Lord,
  I need you every day, but this day is hard and the time since I saw my Zeb so long. Please be with us this night as you were with Zeb that night 5 years ago now. Show your self strong on our behalf I ask. In Jesus I pray , Ame. 

December 25 th

                         Merry Christmas to you all!!!

Christmas and New Years

                       As we come to Christmas and the end of 2013 my thoughts are drawn to a passage of scripture in Matthew chapter 25. This chapter has the parable of the talents and as I read this parable in verses 14 ~ 30  I am considering my life. I often question what it is I am supposed to be doing with my days as I don't work out side of my home. As I think of the many people that go to a regular job with deadlines and schedules and then look at my own life here within my walls it is easy to believe I am not using what God has given me.
    I don't want to be comparing myself to others as that is counter-productive and will not motivate me to do what need be. Neither do I want to just go about my daily life unaware or unconcerned that I may be in need of some change within that will put what God has given me for his use into action. The world is full of people who have needs and Jesus came for that need. Jesus came to fill us and use us for not only for His glory but for the blessing we receive in his glory. Let's not forget our great need of forgiveness and the coming to Christ for our salvation leading to repentance and a heavenly home.
      So how can I be sure I am not as the servant who was given a talent according to his own ability, that went on and buried that talent for his reasoning was: vs. 24 - 25 " Lord, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you have not sown, and gathering where you have not scattered seed. And I was afraid, and went and hid your talent in the ground. Look, there you have what is yours."  I cannot say I really understand all that is within this passge with its parables and messages to not only those before us but for us as well , I only know that this passage keeps coming up as I read the word of God. I Know that I am being stirred to consider my days and what may need to be changed.
    So as I move from Christmas  into the a new year ahead, if God grants me this, I want to be awake and ready for what God has for me. I do not want to waste what God has given me according to my own abilities . God has given me life and I want to live it , because : Life is For Living , and I want to live it , For Christ !  
   Lord Jesus ,
  Here I am today a woman who has been given talents for use until you return . Forgive me the many times I have wasted and buried them too afraid to use them . I bring my life before you acknowledging that you are God my creator, redeemer, and savior, and ask that you would teach me to see,  know, and live what you have given me according to the abilities given me . Help me to be found in an increase at your calling of my life's end or your return. In Jesus I pray , amen .

Thinking and Remembering

                    I have been in a place of deep thoughts and remembering today.
        This morning I was again in my sunroom seeking the face of God for my day.
I was reading from the book of John along with using my study guide. It was very thought provoking and bought me to a place of remembering .
     My mind went back to a summer so long ago,  I cannot say what year, only that I know it was summer as I as out on my lawn on a blanket soaking up some sun and studying the word of God. I came across a verse that I had loved and prayed for my life a different times. The difference was I now was looking at the full verse before me.  So let me share the first part now with you that I had prayed for myself with joy and exceed expectancy when I did. Philippians 3:10 ~ That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection...   Well in my mind who wouldn't want to know the Him in this way? In the way of His power in the Resurrection! Now that is some awesome power.
   But on that day as I started to read this verse and get excited again I felt the nudge of  the Holy Spirit to look deeper and really see what the verse continues on to say. And here is the full of it. Philippians 3:10 ~~ That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death.  I said in prayer, "Wait Lord!Hold up here ! I never realized this is how this verse went. It is one thing to pray to know your power in resurrection but the fellowship of "Your Sufferings" that is quite a different thing."  I laid there in the grass, I remember it as if it were yesterday, and I talked quietly in prayer with the Lord about all that he might ask of me in this. I felt the small still quietness that is the sweet whisper of my Savior to my heart reminding me I was safe in sharing His sufferings. I told the Lord I was scared of suffering. I ended my prayer time with a prayer of acceptance  praying the whole of this verse over my life.
   Now five years after my sons death I know I have experienced suffering and will continue to over this loss. I can say I am safe in the suffering as God promised me in that time with him so many years ago. I also have to admit I did not start this process of suffering with any sense of safety but felt ripped from God and the safety oh His love at times. I had lots of grace and many moments of doubt with lots of questions. But God is faithful and I know without a doubt that I would not have wanted to suffer in any way with out Him .
    I leave you with this photo of my young handsome son who will never get beyond his 22 years and 63 days that he had on this earth. He would have been 27 this past October. I am certain of this one thing though, He is with the Lord and he celebrated his birthdays since that night 5 years ago this December 28th , with such blessed and angelic celebrations that not one thing I could have planned here for him could match it. Praise the Lord for his amazing gifts this side of heaven and beyond.
    Lord Jesus,
       I pray you will bless this post and that others will know the power of your resurrection and if or when they are called to suffer you will meet them in the ways only you know how to. Hug those who are already suffering and give then your great comfort and help  them receive the awareness of your great unfailing love and safety in the midst of their suffering. I ask all this in your powerful and life giving Name, Jesus. Amen

The Things That Consume Us

              At times anxiety rears its ugly head within me.
I don't know if you reading can relate but it is a reality for me. It arrives at will it seems and hangs around like an unwanted guest.
    I awoke the other night in such a state of anxiety after a dream having to do with my son. It is no surprise as I often have dreams that have to do with him. This time of year is harder, if that can be the case with a part of me missing each day. The anxiety raged and called all my senses into alert. This takes its toll on a body.
   Yesterday was filled with anxiety and lots of prayer. Where would I be with out my faith in Jesus? I don't want to know. As it so happens the day before I had seen the verse in Psalm 46:10 that says: "Be still, and know that I am God." Oh how I was going to need this verse the day after I read it. I had written it down in my journal and when I came to sit here in my sunroom there it was the last thing I had written in my journal. Now I wish I could sit here and tell you I got up and went about my day being still and knowing He is God! No I didn't but I prayed and held it there in my heart. I  have specific devotions that come to me in my email as well as some I get on my face book page and wouldn't you know they were proclaiming similar messages to me . God is so awesome ! I think of that old hymn that says : Does Jesus care when my heart is pained to deeply for mirth or song- as the burdens press, and the cares distress, and the way grows weary and long? O yes he cares- I know he cares! His heart is touched with my grief; when the days are weary, the long nights dreary, I know my S avior cares.~ Frank E Graeff -~ J Lincoln  Hall....  
   Those devotions had these verses I want to leave with you today as maybe you will need them as I did. Psalm 119:114  You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in Your Word.
 Deuteronomy 31:8 It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you;He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. 
 Isaiah 41:10 So do not be afraid, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you;I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
 Lord Jesus ,
    Where would I be with out you? Where would my son be without you? I praise you that in spite of my deep hearts cry for my precious son I have peace amidst the anxiety as I come to you and  your word that is :Hebrews 4:12 for the word of God is living and   
powerful, and sharper than a two-edged sword,piercing even to the 
division of soul and spirit,and is a discerner of the intents of the heart. Thank you Jesus for your gift of eternal life and that although I will continue to struggle in my anxiety at times you will always faithfully keep me close and get me through with your powerful, life giving word. I love you Jesus and thank you . In your powerful name Jesus , I pray, amen.

The Past Four Days

          There has been a lot that happened in the last days since I posted. The weather conditions changed a couple of times and we had a snow accumulation of 12+ inches. Yesterday the temps began dropping as the wind picked up and we got down to -22 last night. 
  Brrrrrrrr!!! That is what you get living in Vermont. By now I should be used to it. I don't know that I can ever do that completely. My mind is used to it and expects it but physically this woman is not into such cold temperatures. I do,however, love the state of Vermont with all its beauty and strong rocky ridges and mountains. It is because of the changes of seasons and the ruggedness of the life style here that I choose to stay on. 
   We finally decorated that tree we went four wheeling to get and it is beautiful at night on the deck. As yet we still have not gotten a tree for the inside of the house. We will soon but the snow  slowed us down a bit trying remove it and get stuff much needed done. I am not interested in going to select the tree of my choosing in these cold temps. As I stay in holding for a switch up to our weather there is stuff inside needed tending as we prep for our children's coming home for Christmas. Mopping rooms is my next order of business. But for now I do my devotions. 
  The verses from my devotionals this morning spoke of the shepherds as they did their daily and nightly things in the time of Christ's arrival here as a babe in a manger. Luke 2:8-9 says And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of The Lord appeared to them,and the glory of The Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.
 Wow ! What must that have been like ? I cannot imagine what glory came with the angels as the glory of The Lord was shining around them. I can know it was enough to terrify them as the Bible says it did. What would I have felt had I been there that night? I cannot help but ask myself. As I am tending to my home duties with the knowledge that our children will be coming I wonder what if it was Jesus arriving at my house in a matter of days? But wait isn't Jesus always here with me abiding with me through his Holy Spirit? Yes, he sure is! And how should I live out my days with this knowledge held so close within my heart? 
  I at times in awe of His glory that surrounds me with the peace he gives . At times I am just doing my thing and although I am, as the shepherds, aware of his coming I live as though it is a distant rumbling and not a terrifying reality as they saw that night while living out in the fields watching over their flocks. What can I glean from this short verse with its description and awakening in regards to the arrival of Jesus and the coming of his resurrection ? 
   I can see for myself what the Bible has to say and it is found in   The gospel of Mark 13:32 it says: "But concerning that day or that hour, no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father ."  So I am sure that even as the shepherds had pondered the night sky searching for a sign I too will continue to keep looking up and waiting for my Jesus Christ to return to gather his believers , of which I am one . Praise The Lord for his gift of salvation , for coming as a child to this world to save us all from our sins. How about you are you watching, and more importantly are you ready for his coming ? I pray you are and if you are not I hope you will comment and we could pray together so you too can be watching and waiting for his glorious second coming . Thanks for Reading my post. Merry Christmas ! 

The Following

        Following = track,shadow,trail, pursue, chase
  Go after (someone)in order to observe or monitor them.
    

Boudreaux and Poppy

   I am a dog owner. I should say owner of Dogs. I have two dogs that are mixed breeds that I got from a pound.

 And then... There is my daughters dog, Tazz, He is a pomeranian. This dog is more my dog as she got him almost four years ago just before she left that Fall for College. So I have three dogs that share my home, my life, my space.

The thing is these dogs are totally into what I am doing for the most part.If I sit in my sunroom they sit in my sunroom. If I move to the living room or kitchen they do the same.There is no privacy for me. It is a following and a watchfulness I could learn from in my daily walk with Christ. 

How is it a dog,well in this case three dogs,can do much better at following than I can at following the Christ who gave his all for me?

I know from the Bible that it was not easy for people to follow Jesus Christ and they too desired to follow. I am a work in progress and at times, more than I want to have be true, I desire my own things, and distractions to the things of the Lord Jesus.I pray I can get better at this following like my dogs are with me. My dogs know that I am the one who feeds and walks them. They know that I am   the one who loves them and that I look out for them. Like them, I know that the Lord is taking care of me and will feed me His life giving spiritual food, take me to places so I can be exercised in beauty and freedoms I desire. I need to learn to be more of a follower. I Think my dogs are onto something. How about you? 

   Matthew 16: 24-26 

Then Jesus said to His disciples, " If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?" 

  Lord Jesus,

 I ask for my heart to be given an extra measure of love and desire to follow you. Lord my dogs put me to shame with their devotion and love for me and the way they follow me through my days. I pray for a new conviction that motivates me to be a worthy follower of you. In Jesus I pray, amen. 

                 Tazz 

Feeding the Birds. #Enough

           I enjoy the wild birds of our area whether in summer or winter.
            Feeding the birds is not a cheap hobby but a most enjoyable one.
We have started our winter feeding of the birds as the cold set in and before the snow arrived. In doing so we are rewarded with the sounds of their chatter at the feeders and the welcome sight of colors amidst dreary leafless trees and lots of white. I am very excited about this winters feeding of birds as I have already got cardinals at my feeder. I have not had a cardinal at my feeder in almost twenty years, and that was when I lived in another part of town. So to my amazement and great pleasure I looked out a week ago and there was a most amazingly bright red cardinal eating in my front yard. The brightness of his color tipped me off that he was a he. :)    The males are much brighter, as is often the case in nature. So as I keep watching the female is the one who continues to show up . I never see my beautiful male cardinal. My husband informed me that he had seen him flitting away from the feeder one day as he drove away . I wish he was not so shy !
    I am so thankful for these beautiful birds that bring me such joy and pleasure. Even as I am typing this blog today I have seen a new bird added to my feeder. I believe the reason I am getting some extra visitors to my feeder is due to the fact that I was having issues with my little feeder this morning so I decided rather than have my bird friends go with out food from my address I would dump some feed on the ground as well as in an egg carton I had lying about. What a blessing I had trouble with my feeder. A friend of mine told me that cardinals are more ground feeders and so the chick-a-dees had been scattering a calling card of black sunflower seeds to draw the others in.
   One of the down falls of feeding the birds is that gray squirrels love the seeds too and they are not small eaters and will even chew into the feeder to have better access to the seeds. I know as they have been destroying my feeder. Now I don't want you to think I am a monster who hates squirrels, but I cannot afford to feed them or replace feeders at every whim of these beautiful gray animals . I have been chasing them off and scaring them each time I see them at the ground or the feeder. This afternoon after a particularly busy day of gray squirrel chasing I saw one sitting way up in the tree and staring down . I thought how he looked as though he was maybe in prayer. I smile here as I do not believe they pray. But I could see he was intent and watching down the tree. I thought how how hard it must be for him to wait for a more opportune time to come back down to have at all those wonderful seeds .
    It makes me think about my own quest for the things I want to get to and enjoy. I, too, struggle in fear of what might be there to keep me from getting to my desired seeds in this life.  So many things that keep me from the Fathers perfect plans for me . I get anxious and sit , like that gray squirrel watching, and yes , praying , for a chance to get to the desired place where I can have full access to what is before me that God has provided. Unlike the gray squirrel God is not setting out a wonderful platter of the desired seeds that would fill me and then chasing me away to keep me from them . Quite the contrary. God has promised me in His word to supply all my needs and to defend me and be #ENOUGH for me . So I am going to keep watching these birds God has provided for not only His good pleasure but mine as well. While I do I am going to think on the ways God is #enough for me, and learn with His help to have confidence that He is setting out the seeds that will grow me into yeh woman of God he has had planned for me all along.
     Matthew 6: 25-26
 I tell you not to worry about your life. Don't worry about having some thing to eat, or drink, or wear. Isn't life more than food or clothing? Look at the birds in the sky ! They don't plant or harvest. They don't even store grain in barns. Yet your Father in heaven takes care of them. Aren't you worth more than birds?

Immanuel { God with us }

                                                                 John 1:14 
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. 
                      I am reading a YouVersion Bible Plan this advent called Rediscovering the Christmas Season.  I feel I need it as I had lost my perspective on Christmas . I sense I am healthier this year in my mindset about Christmas and more ready to make an effort to be in a mood to rejoice and celebrate the season of Christ's birth. The mind fog of grief has lifted just enough for me to enjoy seeing the Christmas lights already twinkling throughout our little town. I decided we should set our own twinkles with a tree on our deck this year. So my  husband and I went Sunday afternoon to a friends property to cut our own. After a bit of four wheeling over brush and stumps with a few rocks we came to the one perfect for our deck and my husband cut it down. It now sits on our porch awaiting our placement on the deck with handy work to make a twinkling Christmas statement. 
        Oddly enough since this desire to set some Christmas adornment on the deck I have sunk into a place of deepening pain of my son's absence. This grieving stuff is tricky business it wields its blade at any time it wants. I am working at my advent study and taking my time to study God's word with pain searing through me. This morning I listened to a rendition of Cloverton's Cover of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah"  all the while weeping and trying to thank God for his Son's arrival, and for the beauty of this Christmas season. I did it, and I meant it even hurting for a lost son . I also rejoiced as that lost son is only lost to this world. Because of the Christ child he is in heaven now. 
     This photo is of the face of my son that is on the back of his bench at his grave. Each year since the night of his death we go as a family to his grave and remember him as he was and try to take some of the tragedy of that night away. I love the candle light under his face in this . 
  Jesus came to bring light to the world . O come , O come Immanuel!       

John 8:12 says: 
  When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said," I am the light of the world. Whoever follows Me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life. 

A Setting for Two

                              Welcome to Blog Hop Thursday post .
Today is blog hop day at the online Bible study I am a part of. So today my post is using one of the topics they provide . The study is from the book A Confident Heart by Renee Swope.
                     I have chosen the topic of "A Setting for Two" because it sounds so personal and deep.
Renee says in her book that she has a chair in her room where she can get away from the distractions to meet with Jesus . The scene is set in her description of  how the place is arranged for convenience with her resources available for her devotions. I can relate to her setting as I have my own place to sit and spend time with Jesus to renew my heart and get a new perspective on my days past and the one I am about go through.
  I was challenged to think about what it might be like if I could see Jesus , he is always here with me, but what if I could actually see him? My place to meet with Jesus is my sunroom. The set up is a couch and a bistro table and chairs to my right and off centered a bit for the purpose of enjoying the large window and the light coming in . Now for the challenge: I wanted to have a visual of where Jesus would be seated if I could see him. The purpose Renee had in her sharing this with us had nothing to do with complicated seating arrangements. ;). But some how I began to go to that place where my concerns were about Jesus being comfortable if I could see him. I know it sounds funny and maybe ridicules to you . It does to me as well. The next step in my process of this was what is he doing as I sit here in my sunroom and I cannot see him? I think it is wonderful that now my thoughts go to what  Jesus doing. I am usually so into my thoughts about what is happening in my life, my husbands life, my children's lives, how I feel mentally or physically, why I can't seem to do this, or that. I don't usually think about what Jesus is doing, where he might be in these quiet times. I am being brutally honest here and it is a bit uncomfortable. How can it be that I come to this quiet and peaceful place, not to mention a place God blessed me with, with the purpose of meeting with Jesus and not even give a whole lot of thought to Jesus the one I am seeking to fill my deepest needs??? I am almost shocked at this.
     Now I don't want you to think that these quiet times of devotions are not ones of spiritual feeding that bring me great blessings and understandings . They are and I do come away with new insights and understandings , peace, joy and more. They bring me back morning after morning to a desire to meet and be filled again . I feel the loss of connection and spiritual uplifting when I miss those quiet times. But I have some new thinking to do . I believe I will begin to start my time within my "Setting for Two" acknowledging my guest , my savior, the lover of my soul in a whole new way.
  Lord Jesus this morning you have once again used this online Bible study to open my eyes of understanding . I am so thankful for your gifts that come through this study and the women who have learned sitting in their special places of devotion with you. I am excited, Lord Jesus, to begin today to picture your presence with me and not just feel your presence . I am excited that you have given the physical senses for a purpose and that I will now seek to see you here with me in my mind's eye and be more aware of your great love to me . In Jesus I pray , amen .
   Psalm 8:4
  What is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man that You visit him?
    

The Season

                                                    Christmas is on the horizon !
           Here we are at the beginning of the month that also ushers in the end of a year .
Of course we wouldn't want to leave out the biggest part of this month of December , Christmas .
The celebration for me is all about The Christ child coming to be the savior of the world. Born in a manger and wrapped in swaddling clothes he arrived at the time of the census in a city,yet was not delivered in a family home or lodging place, but a stable with animals. This Christ child came to deliver his people from their sins. I am one of those people for which he left his perfect heavenly home to be born in a manger amongst animals and farm smells. So, although for the last four years I have not looked forward to celebrating the Christ child's arrival and the salvation brought for me, for you, this year seems to be different for me.
      I started to struggle with this new ability to enjoy the season as it felt like I was leaving  my son behind,but then I recognized that I have even more reasons to celebrate this Christ child. In the first or second year after my son's death I was sitting in church and I believe we were singing a hymn and I realized that I had a great joy in a new fact about my own salvation . The fact that my son had come to know Christ and that I had known from the minute I found out of his death that he was home with Christ. My salvation was so much more valuable to me if that is possible. I am not trying to be flippant about what Christ did for me. But to know that your child who left this life before you did has gone into eternity to be with the savor of then world and that you too, will go and see that child again is the most blessed gift.
    So here I am at year five since his leaving us. In a few weeks I will stand at my sons grave in God only knows what sort of weather , freezing cold , dressed in as many layers of warm clothing as I can get on. I will stand with my family , my husband close beside me . We will remember my son and we will pray, light candles and a few of us will make snow angels, if we have snow. We arrive at the hour he died and we are usually leaving within an hour. We will take photos and remember his life of 22 years .
      But for now , this year , I can celebrate the Christ child's arrival and rejoice that he came and because he came and went on from that manger to a cross and he offered all who would believe in him will not perish but have everlasting life. (John 3:16 ) I rejoice and sing praises as the shepherds did long ago at the words of the angel as my heart soars to the knowing that one day I will be reunited with my Zeb because of the Christ child, Jesus .