These photos are of my son who is no longer here in this life. He may not be alive and well and living the life of a young man but his memory and the ache of missing him is real and active! I hurt and I am tired. The pain is holding me down and threatening to keep me down.
I have to work at living in the here and now and to not be suffocated by the pain of his being gone. It would seem I am useless at times because my emotions are so strong and pain cuts so deeply it keeps me held almost captive to it. It all seems so wrong and I know I am a child of God and he is ever present, always helping me, but I am still human! I am still a mother who is crushed by her son's death. Although I carry no scars on the outside my heart is torn apart and it tries to heal only to be ripped open where healing has begun.
Please don't misunderstand me God has done many things in my life over the last 5 years. He has healed me in ways I cannot fully put down yet in words, but there is this constant process it seems. I want my Zeb! I want him all to myself. I want him to be here. I want to hug him and say "I love you!" I want to hear him say he loves me too! I don't want to keep waking up, as it were, and being hit with this reality again and again that he is not here! He will not be returning, he is not living his life, and I will not go to him nor will he come to me and share in what mom's and their kids share in . It is done, finished, 22 years of life gone just like that!
I had the opportunity in the last couple days to talk with a couple people about him and I love to talk about him. The thing is, it is all past tense now and the raw of his death is always right now. The struggle is on like a light that wont go out. Today I need the Word of God but I don't want to read it. I know terrible. It is what helps and gets me through but today, right now, I feel angry again. I am out of sorts and in pain and I will have to trust that God is taking this to His loving heart as a prayer for help. Today is not a day where I toss my head up and heavenward to look into the distance and see my son waiting for me to arrive. It is not a day where I try to get beyond this and be an encourager. It is a day I come to you and say I am hurting and I could use encouragement and prayers. So I pour out the reality here of who I am and what I am feeling, living right here, raw and real. I leave you with this verse.
Isaiah 58:11 " The Lord will guide you always, He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden , like a spring whose waters never fail."
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