" THE " Anniversary !!

                                Today is the anniversary of my precious son Zeb's home going.
  My thoughts are never far from the new reality of this new life I (we) live now with his precious presence gone from me (us). I have been holding a vigil in prep for this  night as this year got closer to the Day. What used to be a count down to Christmas and all that is related to it has now been replaced with a countdown to a meeting in a cemetery to gather with family/friends and remember my precious young son. This gathering born out of deep pain and  dread of a night that surly had to be sent from hell itself is now a yearly trek through a cold and dark place of rest for the departed .
  Please come with me if you will as I walk you through to our place of respect and remembrance of a young life now past. As a mother would pack her bag in prep for a hospital stay to deliver her child I pack my bag for a walk to a bench at the end of a lane in a cemetery. The bag has no clothes or slippers the usual attire for a hospital stay it has candles and matches or a lighter,  maybe a wreath to hang on a shepherd's crook next to a black granite bench with the inscription of my precious boys name, birth date, and the date of his leaving, and a photo of him etched in. The Inscription also holds a small portion of a Poem I found soon after his death that was so fitting . I prepare myself with camera and prayers as we go to the car, my husband and I, to drive the forty five minutes to our memorial vigil at the hour of his death. The weather is cold and we never know what it will be for us until the night. My family members live closer and they too are prepping and headed with what ever memorial things they want to share to bring some blessing to a night we all wish had never happened.
   We arrive and park across from the cemetery , locked chains are up so people can't drive in. We gather our things, tuck our warm gear around us and cross the fence and begin the walk down the lane. We respect the other graves that hold the loved ones of other's gone before. We have crossed snow and ice in the last 4 years of doing this. We have encountered freezing temps to a minus 20 and watched as our breath almost froze leaving our mouths and nostrils. We walk, we talk, we even laugh. As we go down the lane to this meeting place we pass my mom's place of rest (leave a lit candle), the family plot, where lies two baby siblings and an adult brother who died New Years eve, 42 years ago. We are not new to death you see. We pass more headstones and finally get to the grave at the end of the lane to where my son's body lies, his bench a marker of where his journey called life came to rest.

    It is here we gather and we remember the love we had, the dreams we will never see come to be for him. It is here we shed tears and stand in disbelief together and speak prayers of gratitude for his life. We speak of the gift we received in this life because of his life. We light our candles and we pray and thank God for the knowledge we will see this precious one again, praise God that he is not struggling and in pain. Thank God he is free and whole and safe.
  Then I drop and make a snow angel as I once did with him so many years ago . I kneel by that bench and remember the gift I worked to bring into this world at birth. He was an easier birth from my other three, but this is not easy. An hour has passed , pictures taken, memories laid down as if they are things you can see. I wonder how many other graves have unseen memories laid down in front of the headstones, benches, markers, not seen by our eyes? We slowly begin to take leave, some more ready to go, some of us holding back. I hate to leave some how it is more final and sure of what I already know is true. Just a few more hours now and we will be headed to the nights remembrance , my heart is empty in places and torn , new seepage of bleeding awakened.
  Prayers are uttered in my heart that this would not be real. Futile for sure but a real prayer. So for now as the poem is on his bench I remember : He has slipped the surly bonds of earth, He has reached out his hands and touched the face of God!.
 Lord,
  I need you every day, but this day is hard and the time since I saw my Zeb so long. Please be with us this night as you were with Zeb that night 5 years ago now. Show your self strong on our behalf I ask. In Jesus I pray , Ame. 

December 25 th

                         Merry Christmas to you all!!!

Christmas and New Years

                       As we come to Christmas and the end of 2013 my thoughts are drawn to a passage of scripture in Matthew chapter 25. This chapter has the parable of the talents and as I read this parable in verses 14 ~ 30  I am considering my life. I often question what it is I am supposed to be doing with my days as I don't work out side of my home. As I think of the many people that go to a regular job with deadlines and schedules and then look at my own life here within my walls it is easy to believe I am not using what God has given me.
    I don't want to be comparing myself to others as that is counter-productive and will not motivate me to do what need be. Neither do I want to just go about my daily life unaware or unconcerned that I may be in need of some change within that will put what God has given me for his use into action. The world is full of people who have needs and Jesus came for that need. Jesus came to fill us and use us for not only for His glory but for the blessing we receive in his glory. Let's not forget our great need of forgiveness and the coming to Christ for our salvation leading to repentance and a heavenly home.
      So how can I be sure I am not as the servant who was given a talent according to his own ability, that went on and buried that talent for his reasoning was: vs. 24 - 25 " Lord, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you have not sown, and gathering where you have not scattered seed. And I was afraid, and went and hid your talent in the ground. Look, there you have what is yours."  I cannot say I really understand all that is within this passge with its parables and messages to not only those before us but for us as well , I only know that this passage keeps coming up as I read the word of God. I Know that I am being stirred to consider my days and what may need to be changed.
    So as I move from Christmas  into the a new year ahead, if God grants me this, I want to be awake and ready for what God has for me. I do not want to waste what God has given me according to my own abilities . God has given me life and I want to live it , because : Life is For Living , and I want to live it , For Christ !  
   Lord Jesus ,
  Here I am today a woman who has been given talents for use until you return . Forgive me the many times I have wasted and buried them too afraid to use them . I bring my life before you acknowledging that you are God my creator, redeemer, and savior, and ask that you would teach me to see,  know, and live what you have given me according to the abilities given me . Help me to be found in an increase at your calling of my life's end or your return. In Jesus I pray , amen .

Thinking and Remembering

                    I have been in a place of deep thoughts and remembering today.
        This morning I was again in my sunroom seeking the face of God for my day.
I was reading from the book of John along with using my study guide. It was very thought provoking and bought me to a place of remembering .
     My mind went back to a summer so long ago,  I cannot say what year, only that I know it was summer as I as out on my lawn on a blanket soaking up some sun and studying the word of God. I came across a verse that I had loved and prayed for my life a different times. The difference was I now was looking at the full verse before me.  So let me share the first part now with you that I had prayed for myself with joy and exceed expectancy when I did. Philippians 3:10 ~ That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection...   Well in my mind who wouldn't want to know the Him in this way? In the way of His power in the Resurrection! Now that is some awesome power.
   But on that day as I started to read this verse and get excited again I felt the nudge of  the Holy Spirit to look deeper and really see what the verse continues on to say. And here is the full of it. Philippians 3:10 ~~ That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death.  I said in prayer, "Wait Lord!Hold up here ! I never realized this is how this verse went. It is one thing to pray to know your power in resurrection but the fellowship of "Your Sufferings" that is quite a different thing."  I laid there in the grass, I remember it as if it were yesterday, and I talked quietly in prayer with the Lord about all that he might ask of me in this. I felt the small still quietness that is the sweet whisper of my Savior to my heart reminding me I was safe in sharing His sufferings. I told the Lord I was scared of suffering. I ended my prayer time with a prayer of acceptance  praying the whole of this verse over my life.
   Now five years after my sons death I know I have experienced suffering and will continue to over this loss. I can say I am safe in the suffering as God promised me in that time with him so many years ago. I also have to admit I did not start this process of suffering with any sense of safety but felt ripped from God and the safety oh His love at times. I had lots of grace and many moments of doubt with lots of questions. But God is faithful and I know without a doubt that I would not have wanted to suffer in any way with out Him .
    I leave you with this photo of my young handsome son who will never get beyond his 22 years and 63 days that he had on this earth. He would have been 27 this past October. I am certain of this one thing though, He is with the Lord and he celebrated his birthdays since that night 5 years ago this December 28th , with such blessed and angelic celebrations that not one thing I could have planned here for him could match it. Praise the Lord for his amazing gifts this side of heaven and beyond.
    Lord Jesus,
       I pray you will bless this post and that others will know the power of your resurrection and if or when they are called to suffer you will meet them in the ways only you know how to. Hug those who are already suffering and give then your great comfort and help  them receive the awareness of your great unfailing love and safety in the midst of their suffering. I ask all this in your powerful and life giving Name, Jesus. Amen

The Things That Consume Us

              At times anxiety rears its ugly head within me.
I don't know if you reading can relate but it is a reality for me. It arrives at will it seems and hangs around like an unwanted guest.
    I awoke the other night in such a state of anxiety after a dream having to do with my son. It is no surprise as I often have dreams that have to do with him. This time of year is harder, if that can be the case with a part of me missing each day. The anxiety raged and called all my senses into alert. This takes its toll on a body.
   Yesterday was filled with anxiety and lots of prayer. Where would I be with out my faith in Jesus? I don't want to know. As it so happens the day before I had seen the verse in Psalm 46:10 that says: "Be still, and know that I am God." Oh how I was going to need this verse the day after I read it. I had written it down in my journal and when I came to sit here in my sunroom there it was the last thing I had written in my journal. Now I wish I could sit here and tell you I got up and went about my day being still and knowing He is God! No I didn't but I prayed and held it there in my heart. I  have specific devotions that come to me in my email as well as some I get on my face book page and wouldn't you know they were proclaiming similar messages to me . God is so awesome ! I think of that old hymn that says : Does Jesus care when my heart is pained to deeply for mirth or song- as the burdens press, and the cares distress, and the way grows weary and long? O yes he cares- I know he cares! His heart is touched with my grief; when the days are weary, the long nights dreary, I know my S avior cares.~ Frank E Graeff -~ J Lincoln  Hall....  
   Those devotions had these verses I want to leave with you today as maybe you will need them as I did. Psalm 119:114  You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in Your Word.
 Deuteronomy 31:8 It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you;He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. 
 Isaiah 41:10 So do not be afraid, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you;I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
 Lord Jesus ,
    Where would I be with out you? Where would my son be without you? I praise you that in spite of my deep hearts cry for my precious son I have peace amidst the anxiety as I come to you and  your word that is :Hebrews 4:12 for the word of God is living and   
powerful, and sharper than a two-edged sword,piercing even to the 
division of soul and spirit,and is a discerner of the intents of the heart. Thank you Jesus for your gift of eternal life and that although I will continue to struggle in my anxiety at times you will always faithfully keep me close and get me through with your powerful, life giving word. I love you Jesus and thank you . In your powerful name Jesus , I pray, amen.

The Past Four Days

          There has been a lot that happened in the last days since I posted. The weather conditions changed a couple of times and we had a snow accumulation of 12+ inches. Yesterday the temps began dropping as the wind picked up and we got down to -22 last night. 
  Brrrrrrrr!!! That is what you get living in Vermont. By now I should be used to it. I don't know that I can ever do that completely. My mind is used to it and expects it but physically this woman is not into such cold temperatures. I do,however, love the state of Vermont with all its beauty and strong rocky ridges and mountains. It is because of the changes of seasons and the ruggedness of the life style here that I choose to stay on. 
   We finally decorated that tree we went four wheeling to get and it is beautiful at night on the deck. As yet we still have not gotten a tree for the inside of the house. We will soon but the snow  slowed us down a bit trying remove it and get stuff much needed done. I am not interested in going to select the tree of my choosing in these cold temps. As I stay in holding for a switch up to our weather there is stuff inside needed tending as we prep for our children's coming home for Christmas. Mopping rooms is my next order of business. But for now I do my devotions. 
  The verses from my devotionals this morning spoke of the shepherds as they did their daily and nightly things in the time of Christ's arrival here as a babe in a manger. Luke 2:8-9 says And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of The Lord appeared to them,and the glory of The Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.
 Wow ! What must that have been like ? I cannot imagine what glory came with the angels as the glory of The Lord was shining around them. I can know it was enough to terrify them as the Bible says it did. What would I have felt had I been there that night? I cannot help but ask myself. As I am tending to my home duties with the knowledge that our children will be coming I wonder what if it was Jesus arriving at my house in a matter of days? But wait isn't Jesus always here with me abiding with me through his Holy Spirit? Yes, he sure is! And how should I live out my days with this knowledge held so close within my heart? 
  I at times in awe of His glory that surrounds me with the peace he gives . At times I am just doing my thing and although I am, as the shepherds, aware of his coming I live as though it is a distant rumbling and not a terrifying reality as they saw that night while living out in the fields watching over their flocks. What can I glean from this short verse with its description and awakening in regards to the arrival of Jesus and the coming of his resurrection ? 
   I can see for myself what the Bible has to say and it is found in   The gospel of Mark 13:32 it says: "But concerning that day or that hour, no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father ."  So I am sure that even as the shepherds had pondered the night sky searching for a sign I too will continue to keep looking up and waiting for my Jesus Christ to return to gather his believers , of which I am one . Praise The Lord for his gift of salvation , for coming as a child to this world to save us all from our sins. How about you are you watching, and more importantly are you ready for his coming ? I pray you are and if you are not I hope you will comment and we could pray together so you too can be watching and waiting for his glorious second coming . Thanks for Reading my post. Merry Christmas ! 

The Following

        Following = track,shadow,trail, pursue, chase
  Go after (someone)in order to observe or monitor them.
    

Boudreaux and Poppy

   I am a dog owner. I should say owner of Dogs. I have two dogs that are mixed breeds that I got from a pound.

 And then... There is my daughters dog, Tazz, He is a pomeranian. This dog is more my dog as she got him almost four years ago just before she left that Fall for College. So I have three dogs that share my home, my life, my space.

The thing is these dogs are totally into what I am doing for the most part.If I sit in my sunroom they sit in my sunroom. If I move to the living room or kitchen they do the same.There is no privacy for me. It is a following and a watchfulness I could learn from in my daily walk with Christ. 

How is it a dog,well in this case three dogs,can do much better at following than I can at following the Christ who gave his all for me?

I know from the Bible that it was not easy for people to follow Jesus Christ and they too desired to follow. I am a work in progress and at times, more than I want to have be true, I desire my own things, and distractions to the things of the Lord Jesus.I pray I can get better at this following like my dogs are with me. My dogs know that I am the one who feeds and walks them. They know that I am   the one who loves them and that I look out for them. Like them, I know that the Lord is taking care of me and will feed me His life giving spiritual food, take me to places so I can be exercised in beauty and freedoms I desire. I need to learn to be more of a follower. I Think my dogs are onto something. How about you? 

   Matthew 16: 24-26 

Then Jesus said to His disciples, " If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?" 

  Lord Jesus,

 I ask for my heart to be given an extra measure of love and desire to follow you. Lord my dogs put me to shame with their devotion and love for me and the way they follow me through my days. I pray for a new conviction that motivates me to be a worthy follower of you. In Jesus I pray, amen. 

                 Tazz 

Feeding the Birds. #Enough

           I enjoy the wild birds of our area whether in summer or winter.
            Feeding the birds is not a cheap hobby but a most enjoyable one.
We have started our winter feeding of the birds as the cold set in and before the snow arrived. In doing so we are rewarded with the sounds of their chatter at the feeders and the welcome sight of colors amidst dreary leafless trees and lots of white. I am very excited about this winters feeding of birds as I have already got cardinals at my feeder. I have not had a cardinal at my feeder in almost twenty years, and that was when I lived in another part of town. So to my amazement and great pleasure I looked out a week ago and there was a most amazingly bright red cardinal eating in my front yard. The brightness of his color tipped me off that he was a he. :)    The males are much brighter, as is often the case in nature. So as I keep watching the female is the one who continues to show up . I never see my beautiful male cardinal. My husband informed me that he had seen him flitting away from the feeder one day as he drove away . I wish he was not so shy !
    I am so thankful for these beautiful birds that bring me such joy and pleasure. Even as I am typing this blog today I have seen a new bird added to my feeder. I believe the reason I am getting some extra visitors to my feeder is due to the fact that I was having issues with my little feeder this morning so I decided rather than have my bird friends go with out food from my address I would dump some feed on the ground as well as in an egg carton I had lying about. What a blessing I had trouble with my feeder. A friend of mine told me that cardinals are more ground feeders and so the chick-a-dees had been scattering a calling card of black sunflower seeds to draw the others in.
   One of the down falls of feeding the birds is that gray squirrels love the seeds too and they are not small eaters and will even chew into the feeder to have better access to the seeds. I know as they have been destroying my feeder. Now I don't want you to think I am a monster who hates squirrels, but I cannot afford to feed them or replace feeders at every whim of these beautiful gray animals . I have been chasing them off and scaring them each time I see them at the ground or the feeder. This afternoon after a particularly busy day of gray squirrel chasing I saw one sitting way up in the tree and staring down . I thought how he looked as though he was maybe in prayer. I smile here as I do not believe they pray. But I could see he was intent and watching down the tree. I thought how how hard it must be for him to wait for a more opportune time to come back down to have at all those wonderful seeds .
    It makes me think about my own quest for the things I want to get to and enjoy. I, too, struggle in fear of what might be there to keep me from getting to my desired seeds in this life.  So many things that keep me from the Fathers perfect plans for me . I get anxious and sit , like that gray squirrel watching, and yes , praying , for a chance to get to the desired place where I can have full access to what is before me that God has provided. Unlike the gray squirrel God is not setting out a wonderful platter of the desired seeds that would fill me and then chasing me away to keep me from them . Quite the contrary. God has promised me in His word to supply all my needs and to defend me and be #ENOUGH for me . So I am going to keep watching these birds God has provided for not only His good pleasure but mine as well. While I do I am going to think on the ways God is #enough for me, and learn with His help to have confidence that He is setting out the seeds that will grow me into yeh woman of God he has had planned for me all along.
     Matthew 6: 25-26
 I tell you not to worry about your life. Don't worry about having some thing to eat, or drink, or wear. Isn't life more than food or clothing? Look at the birds in the sky ! They don't plant or harvest. They don't even store grain in barns. Yet your Father in heaven takes care of them. Aren't you worth more than birds?

Immanuel { God with us }

                                                                 John 1:14 
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. 
                      I am reading a YouVersion Bible Plan this advent called Rediscovering the Christmas Season.  I feel I need it as I had lost my perspective on Christmas . I sense I am healthier this year in my mindset about Christmas and more ready to make an effort to be in a mood to rejoice and celebrate the season of Christ's birth. The mind fog of grief has lifted just enough for me to enjoy seeing the Christmas lights already twinkling throughout our little town. I decided we should set our own twinkles with a tree on our deck this year. So my  husband and I went Sunday afternoon to a friends property to cut our own. After a bit of four wheeling over brush and stumps with a few rocks we came to the one perfect for our deck and my husband cut it down. It now sits on our porch awaiting our placement on the deck with handy work to make a twinkling Christmas statement. 
        Oddly enough since this desire to set some Christmas adornment on the deck I have sunk into a place of deepening pain of my son's absence. This grieving stuff is tricky business it wields its blade at any time it wants. I am working at my advent study and taking my time to study God's word with pain searing through me. This morning I listened to a rendition of Cloverton's Cover of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah"  all the while weeping and trying to thank God for his Son's arrival, and for the beauty of this Christmas season. I did it, and I meant it even hurting for a lost son . I also rejoiced as that lost son is only lost to this world. Because of the Christ child he is in heaven now. 
     This photo is of the face of my son that is on the back of his bench at his grave. Each year since the night of his death we go as a family to his grave and remember him as he was and try to take some of the tragedy of that night away. I love the candle light under his face in this . 
  Jesus came to bring light to the world . O come , O come Immanuel!       

John 8:12 says: 
  When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said," I am the light of the world. Whoever follows Me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life. 

A Setting for Two

                              Welcome to Blog Hop Thursday post .
Today is blog hop day at the online Bible study I am a part of. So today my post is using one of the topics they provide . The study is from the book A Confident Heart by Renee Swope.
                     I have chosen the topic of "A Setting for Two" because it sounds so personal and deep.
Renee says in her book that she has a chair in her room where she can get away from the distractions to meet with Jesus . The scene is set in her description of  how the place is arranged for convenience with her resources available for her devotions. I can relate to her setting as I have my own place to sit and spend time with Jesus to renew my heart and get a new perspective on my days past and the one I am about go through.
  I was challenged to think about what it might be like if I could see Jesus , he is always here with me, but what if I could actually see him? My place to meet with Jesus is my sunroom. The set up is a couch and a bistro table and chairs to my right and off centered a bit for the purpose of enjoying the large window and the light coming in . Now for the challenge: I wanted to have a visual of where Jesus would be seated if I could see him. The purpose Renee had in her sharing this with us had nothing to do with complicated seating arrangements. ;). But some how I began to go to that place where my concerns were about Jesus being comfortable if I could see him. I know it sounds funny and maybe ridicules to you . It does to me as well. The next step in my process of this was what is he doing as I sit here in my sunroom and I cannot see him? I think it is wonderful that now my thoughts go to what  Jesus doing. I am usually so into my thoughts about what is happening in my life, my husbands life, my children's lives, how I feel mentally or physically, why I can't seem to do this, or that. I don't usually think about what Jesus is doing, where he might be in these quiet times. I am being brutally honest here and it is a bit uncomfortable. How can it be that I come to this quiet and peaceful place, not to mention a place God blessed me with, with the purpose of meeting with Jesus and not even give a whole lot of thought to Jesus the one I am seeking to fill my deepest needs??? I am almost shocked at this.
     Now I don't want you to think that these quiet times of devotions are not ones of spiritual feeding that bring me great blessings and understandings . They are and I do come away with new insights and understandings , peace, joy and more. They bring me back morning after morning to a desire to meet and be filled again . I feel the loss of connection and spiritual uplifting when I miss those quiet times. But I have some new thinking to do . I believe I will begin to start my time within my "Setting for Two" acknowledging my guest , my savior, the lover of my soul in a whole new way.
  Lord Jesus this morning you have once again used this online Bible study to open my eyes of understanding . I am so thankful for your gifts that come through this study and the women who have learned sitting in their special places of devotion with you. I am excited, Lord Jesus, to begin today to picture your presence with me and not just feel your presence . I am excited that you have given the physical senses for a purpose and that I will now seek to see you here with me in my mind's eye and be more aware of your great love to me . In Jesus I pray , amen .
   Psalm 8:4
  What is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man that You visit him?
    

The Season

                                                    Christmas is on the horizon !
           Here we are at the beginning of the month that also ushers in the end of a year .
Of course we wouldn't want to leave out the biggest part of this month of December , Christmas .
The celebration for me is all about The Christ child coming to be the savior of the world. Born in a manger and wrapped in swaddling clothes he arrived at the time of the census in a city,yet was not delivered in a family home or lodging place, but a stable with animals. This Christ child came to deliver his people from their sins. I am one of those people for which he left his perfect heavenly home to be born in a manger amongst animals and farm smells. So, although for the last four years I have not looked forward to celebrating the Christ child's arrival and the salvation brought for me, for you, this year seems to be different for me.
      I started to struggle with this new ability to enjoy the season as it felt like I was leaving  my son behind,but then I recognized that I have even more reasons to celebrate this Christ child. In the first or second year after my son's death I was sitting in church and I believe we were singing a hymn and I realized that I had a great joy in a new fact about my own salvation . The fact that my son had come to know Christ and that I had known from the minute I found out of his death that he was home with Christ. My salvation was so much more valuable to me if that is possible. I am not trying to be flippant about what Christ did for me. But to know that your child who left this life before you did has gone into eternity to be with the savor of then world and that you too, will go and see that child again is the most blessed gift.
    So here I am at year five since his leaving us. In a few weeks I will stand at my sons grave in God only knows what sort of weather , freezing cold , dressed in as many layers of warm clothing as I can get on. I will stand with my family , my husband close beside me . We will remember my son and we will pray, light candles and a few of us will make snow angels, if we have snow. We arrive at the hour he died and we are usually leaving within an hour. We will take photos and remember his life of 22 years .
      But for now , this year , I can celebrate the Christ child's arrival and rejoice that he came and because he came and went on from that manger to a cross and he offered all who would believe in him will not perish but have everlasting life. (John 3:16 ) I rejoice and sing praises as the shepherds did long ago at the words of the angel as my heart soars to the knowing that one day I will be reunited with my Zeb because of the Christ child, Jesus .

Trust

                                            As for God, His way is perfect;
                                           The Word of The Lord is proven;
                                         He is a shield to all who trust in Him.
                                                                Psalm 18:28
      Tonight I am thinking about what to say here and how God's Word works in my life on a day to day basis. I know I have the answer to this but the problem is expressing it on a blog.
   What I know is that I have depended on God's Word for years. The Bible is what I have relied on through many times of good and bad. There have been times of fear that overtook me and debilitated me. It was in those times that God's Word sustained me and got me on my feet again. A Scripture God gave me through my prayers of desperation was in 2 Timothy 1: 7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.   I don't know if you have ever had fear like what I have had, but I know that my mind was not sound when I was in that state of fear.
    When my son died God graciously gave me Scripture in this same book I have headed this blog start with. Psalm 18: and verses 16-19 ~~ He sent from above, He took me; He drew me out of many waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, from those who hated me, for they were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but The Lord was my support. He also brought me out into a broad place; He delivered me because He delighted in me. Before I move on from this verse that I believe God gave me I need to give a disclaimer here . I am in no way saying that God is for suicide or that he was behind my son's actions and supporting his decision to take his own life. I see these verses as comfort for me, the mother, in that God wanted me to see that my son was in a desperate place and in that desperation he made a decision and acted on it while very drunk. In God's great mercy and grace he allowed this and he rescued my young son and took him to his spacious place with my Heavenly Father and I was given this verse for that reason . I do not wish to receive responses that criticize my reasoning as this is not up for debate . This is what I believe and I am sharing it here with you. I pray you will be able to accept this and appreciate the nature of my sensitivity here after having lost a son .
     So my trust is in The Lord who gave his words of life and truth , a manual for living . There are many more Scritures that have been my shield and been proven in my life. The trust has gained ground and I pray will continue to keep gaining ground as I know life is hard and I need more dependence on God!
   Lord Jesus ,
 You have seen me through many tough times and many losses and gains. I am stronger from having had you show me your way through your word. I pray for any who read this blog to hear what you desire for them to hear. I ask that you would continue to use your word to strengthen and keep me and  all who seek to know you through your word. In Jesus I pray. amen. 

The day after

                                  Yesterday we had our thanksgiving meal at my dads .
My husband and I prepared every thing for our meal here then drove the forty five minutes down to his house to share in this blessing God had provided for us. A guy who works with my husband was blessed with a couple successes at hunting and blessed us with some venison. My father was a hunter and much of what we ate for meat through the winters was venison. He loves it ! So we decided why not give dad what he loves.  The sad part is his sense of taste and smell are pretty much gone and dad has lost his interest even in his favorite foods. Nonetheless we took the venison and our love for dad and the rich desire to bless him with us.
   It was a simple meal and full of talk, mostly from my dad. He loves to share his stories of life lived and struggles fought through childhood to World War Two and the life with my mom with all us kids. By this time we have heard many of these same stories many times over, but we know we are already doing repeats of our stories when given the chance to share . It is all good and dad is sharing his blessings of life lived, not just survived, and lived well.
    It's hard to watch your parents deteriorate and have one pass already. My dad and mom were married sixty one years when she left him. He misses her so much and it has been hard for him these five years without her . What once was a simple pleasure of a thanksgiving meal has now become a painful piece with memories of loved ones gone ahead. I watch my dad and feel the pain of his passing before it has even arrived . The full knowing of what it is to lose loved ones heavy in my chest , my mind, my being, over takes me . I know I cannot stop it! So I try to relax and enjoy this time that may very well be his last thanksgiving meal here . I have been given a gift of my dad's time on this Thanksgiving day. What a blessing from God!
     I sit with two wonderful men and share a meal on a special day. I am thankful for my husband and the way he listens intently to old war stories that I know he has heard more times than I have. I am thankful for one more visit with my dad and a couple pictures taken of us with him . We pray before we leave as we prayed before our meal. We ask for Gods blessing on dad and we leave . The teacher of prayer to me is now having me pray for him . A gift it is to me a daughter .
   My Heavenly Father is the true giver of prayer and of the answerer  of those prayers . So I bow my head and pray in the name of His Son Jesus and I say : Father God, my dad is yours and he is ready to see you when you call him. Bless what days he has left and bless us as we see the parting of yet another loved one from this life. Thank you Father for the gift of life, and family, and eternal life which is ours in Christ Jesus. Amen
    

Thanksgiving Day

                       Happy Thanksgiving Day !
         Tomorrow is Thanksgiving day and our plans are set.
Today my thoughts are on tomorrow and what needs to be done today in preparation.Thanksgiving day used to be much busier when the kids were all younger and we did our special days here and together. Now  it is usually just my husband and I.I don't remember the first time it happened that no one came home but only a year or two now. We did  a chicken roast instead of a full turkey and it was nice to have one another to be thankful with.But a sense of bittersweet was in the day.
   Now this year we will go see my dad and spend Thanksgiving with him. He is alone and has been without my mom for five years. Hardly believable that she has been gone that long and that our dear son has been gone that long in December. So are we thankful? Yes. There is always a reason for thanks, although I have not always seen it that way since my son's death. My dad is not well and has had one major heart attack and some strokes in the last year and a half. At the time they said six months was about all he would get. They were wrong, our times our in God's hands. So now we have the privilege to go and bring a meal of venison and foods to show our love and appreciation for my dad and to God on this years Thanksgiving day. 
       I am feeling strange at the excitement I have about this. This is due to the fact that I am moving to a new place in my grief process. It seems some how wrong to be ready to feel new life again when my son and my mom are no longer here. I know this excitement is good and I am Thankful for it... But.. It is some how wrong. I keep being hit by the reality of them being gone and the upcoming anniversary of my sons leaving. I am already focused on that night,the shock and the loss. IT comes without being invited. I am already in my mind trekking to his grave in December at the hour of his death. I am standing with my family and we are talking and lighting candles, we are some how experiencing him being here by our being there that night, at that time when he ended his life. My heart is grieved and cries its own tears, in its own way, without my being able to control it. And yet, I am also excited that I get to be here in the moment, living the now. I have a father who is still here and he is lonely for my mom. I, too, miss my mom and it is a bittersweet thanksgiving without her. 
     So we will go and bring the blessing of food.We will Thank God we have food, so many do not. We pray for those who do not. 
        This morning a devotional I read had the verses from Psalms 68:5-6 in it. I have read these verses before and was stopped then, as now, by the words in verse 6 a where it says: "God sets the lonely in families...". I am sort of a literal thinker so for me this was a question moment. I have felt lonely within my family so my  thoughts were, was that a God thing? I had to do some research and see what a commentary had to say about this . My Life Application NIV Bible has a commentary at the bottom of the pages so I checked it out. It says that, " If you are lonely or disadvantaged, join David ( The writer of this Psalm ) in praise, and discover great joy from loving and praising God." For me I sensed now that it isn't that God makes some lonely people in families as my literal mind had thought, but that, He, God, is the one who sets those lonely people into families and can bring a praise and help to those who are lonely. The whole of this verse 6 says:" God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land."
   I don't want to be living in a sun-scorched land so I am praying with thanksgiving for the process of grief and the deliverance from the lonely places I have been living in. I am thankful for my dad being here still and the gift of his acceptance of our coming to him to bring a small feast of blessings . But  I am most thankful that I feel my dad's gracious acceptance of our presence. I am even more grateful to God, my heavenly Father, who graced me with his Son Jesus so that one day when my dad leaves this world and when I leave this world , we will enter into God's presence and have eternity to feast at his table with a pure and righteous Thanksgiving .  
   Lord Jesus ,
 As we head into tomorrow with the  plan of being more aware of Thanksgiving I pray that we will be mindful of those who don't have what we have. That your Grace would deliver to these who are lonely and needy the provisions they need to get help and feeding, every day not just on thanksgiving day. Lord for those who do not know you, that they would come to know you and be setting their sights on eternity with you. Thank you Lord Jesus! I love you and I thank you for your gift of salvation. Amen.
 For any interested here is a Scripture to check out. John 3: 16-18 
 Happy Thanksgiving to you! 

Todays Difference

                         The change is welcome in the weather today.
Although it is still very cold there has been wonderful sunshine all day. The sunroom was the place to  be this morning . I miss the sun now at the front of the house as now I am feeling this coldness.

  I am always concerned for my hens and my rooster when we get to the bite of cold. I know they are birds and we have them inclosed and protected, but somehow I still feel it is unnatural to have them without heat. I always try to remember how God has given them all they need for this weather and he will take care of them. Maybe to some this is just absurd I would be so concerned for some chickens but I am there caretaker and I take this seriously. 

      I am thankful that, God, who created me takes his job seriously and cares for my every need. Some days I am so needy and feel the coldness of this life and can't seem to get enough warmth from the inclosure of God's hand I am kept safely in. It is not due to a failure on his part. I am sure of this. I just need to snuggle in closer to his word and meet him in the quiet of the sunroom, or wherever it is I can sneak off too, and pray and wait for the great love he has for me to reach my own cold heart. He is there and he is active and keeping me but I have some how lost the sense of the care he has and the love that surrounds me . Maybe I am listening to lies I have had for years about me . Or maybe I am just in need physically of rest or food or some specific thing that is distracting me from Hs presence. 

      It is a blessing he incloses me in his Love and Care or I do believe I would freeze in my own lack of inability to reach my needs. So today I was able to see His provision of sunlight and feel the warmth of it. I am so thankful for that. I need to focus on thanksgiving and not just due to the week being the one we celebrate Thanksgiving. I need it to rule the fire of my heart to live well. I need it to be able to go on when it's  not so easy. I am missing my mom and my son, as is the case, more intensely this time of year. My thoughts go to them and the empty places they have left within me. It makes the cold more intolerable and my heart wants to just roll up into a ball and sleep or not participate in life. So Thankfulness is my warm blanket and God is the reason for the Thankfulness. 

                              1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18 

Rejoice aways, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 

                                Philippians 4: 6-8

 " Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers,

     whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things"

  Lord Jesus , 

You have hemmed me in behind and before, you lay your hand upon me, Psalm 139:5 , and you give me songs in the night to keep my heart thinking on you. I need your presence as we deal with this winter of cold and snow and harshness. I need you as my spirit sinks into this harsh time of pain and memories of loss and heartache. Thank you that you keep me inclosed and protected from the weather of life. Some times it is not as warm as I want and I even get some losses but you never leave me and always take care of me. Thank you Jesus . Amen. 

Searched and Known

                                                                 Psalm 139:1
This week in the A Confident Heart online Bible study we have the verse in Psalms 139 and verse 1 to unpack if we want to.  This verse says, "O Lord, you have searched me and known me."

    I want to examine this searching and being known that is brought out to me in this verse.
The searching is being done by The Lord and he has searched me according to this verse. Searched is past tense so it has already been done and I can not help but wonder what he has found out about me? I mean really this is " The Lord !" who has searched me. As much as I have made this out to be a dreaded thing that he has searched me and found out something , the truth is I take comfort in this . Yes I really do! This scripture says he not only has searched me but that he knows me and this is a blessing to me because if I read further in this very chapter it tells me more about who it is that has searched me and known me.
                                        Psalm 139: 2 - 6 goes on to tell me this :
You know my sitting down and my rising up; you understand my thoughts afar off. You comprehend my path and  My lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O Lord, you know it altogether . You have hedged me behind and before, and laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful  for me; It is high, I cannot attain it.
    So I can take heart that this Lord God who has searched me cares deeply as he knows when I sit and rise and even understands my thoughts from far away . Look I don't mind telling you I  don't even always understand my own thoughts, and that God does and that he has searched this all out and pays attention . Wow! And then he says He comprehends my path ?  So he grasps and understands my path and so many times I cannot figure why I do intuitively the things I do. And seriously, not many would care enough to be acquainted with all my ways! But this says God does. He knows a word before it is even on my tongue, so even before I know what will be in my own thoughts He knows. Again I say wow! And he not only knows it knows it altogether .
  It says he has hedged me in behind and before and has laid his hand on me. Hedged : cover, guard,cushion,protect , safe guard, encircle, surround . And the fact that, he ~ God, has laid his hand on me , wow, I am in awe! I don't know about you but I know for me I feel a sense of security and of being greatly loved by my God that he the creator of the universe would stoop to his creation and be so involved.
   Lord God,
 Thank you that you are so deeply involved in my life. You know all about me and yet , you still love me and stick by me. You understand me and still cover me, protect me and surround me with your great  and unfailing love. I , too, like the Psalmist say : " Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain it." I can, however, say, Thank you for all you are and have for me . In Jesus I stand and pray . Amen

Sun and Light

                                        What an amazing sunny day we have received today.
The photo above is not from today but it does show the sun and light I see and feel today. I am so thankful for sunny Fall days with out the deep cold it could have.  Yet another reprieve from blustery and cold days. Yesterday was opposite of today here in Vermont with strong winds and snow flurries all day into the night. I went to bed so cold and today I am blessed with the sun and warmer temperatures  it brought . More gifts from the gift giver. Thank you, Lord!
   We are fast approaching Thanksgiving and unlike a number of my friends I have not posted to face book daily things I am thankful for. I have been saying thank you to God within my daily prayers and petitions. So today I say thank you to God and any one who reads this blog of mine for the gift of showing up and caring to hear my heart and bless me with your presence. The other day I posted a piece about shining my light and today I am again thinking lots about my light and what that light is in this world I live in. As it would happen I am doing this online Bible study through the Proverbs 31 ministries and the book we are using is : A Confident Heart by Renee Swope.  The chapter we are in is talking about our personalities and how "God created us with unique personalities, God-given passions,and abilities that can help others, as well as spiritual giftedness and life experiences that prepare and equip us for His plans and purposes.."~~ page 139 of A Confident Heart by Renee Swope.
    I know that God has plans for me and that he has given me His light to shine out in the darkness to bring encouragement and hope and my unique perspective to others. I am not often able to express such a strong statement about myself, especially out for others to hear, or in this case read. But I am growing from this study and many others I have been doing over this last year, or two. I need to step up to the plate and start taking courage that God brought me into this world for a purpose and that I do have purpose and His grace and strength to be able to stand up and be counted as worthy to be among the living and loving to be alive. The title to my blog, Life is for Living Today, was set for me the day my precious son took his life and I walked through the hospital emergency room and was hit with such devastating news. That day God gave me those words, that thought, and I am only now realizing the depths of His grace in giving me this.
   So I have a light, as the days have light, whether clouded over, or covered in blowing snow or pelting rain. I have a light! I have Life which is for living! I am the person I am called to be and I am going to, with God's help, live it to the fullest as the woman God made me to be. I pray you will do what God has called you to be and do as well.

   2 Corinthians 4:6-7
For God , who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made His light shine in our hearts to give us light of the knowledge of God's glory displayed in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
Lord Jesus, Today we thank you for Your light and Your Glory. We thank you that you have given to us the ability to shine forth in this world and reflect your light and power in us . In Jesus we pray, amen .

Saturday is coming

            I am excited that tomorrow is Saturday as the weather promises to be nice.
I have heard it is supposed to get to 64 degrees and that sounds most wonderful after days of temps in the teens and the highest being in the low 30's . It is no surprise that we have had weather like this as it is the season for it . Oh but a reprieve already is so welcome. Not to mention I have a project to do that requires temps up to at least 50 degrees. I have three doors to enter this house that need paint so I may be able to get this done. I cant at least do the first coat.
       It is amazing to me how fast the days pass and the seasons change. Life racing on and stuff to be done . So now although I have stuff to do I must remember to live in this moment, this season so that it is not wasted. This time to paint is a good thing and is living in the time I have been given. Today I was working on the lesson for my Sunday school class and it has me reading in the book of Esther . This book is as amazing as Esther herself . She lived in the life she was given and was used powerfully to save her people.  As I read her story I am encouraged to seek what ways God wants me to walk this life he has given me . I want to be wise and not foolish with my time . We are all given a certain amount of days to live and I want to live mine well .
    Ephesians 5 : 15 - 16 says , " see then that you walk circumspectly , not as fools but as wise , redeeming the time , because the days are evil."  Or there is the NIV that says it like this: Be very careful, then , how you live not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.
    So as I attempt to paint doors this Saturday I will need to be careful so as to have the paint job look smooth and well done.  A very small job in comparison to the life I am given to live with wisdom .
   Lord Jesus without you I will live without wisdom that lasts and stands the tests of time. So fill me with your wisdom and keep me seeking you with all my heart and mind and spirit. Amen

Clouds

                           Has anyone else noticed the clouds this year ?
                  Is it just me? Or is there a uniqueness to the clouds now ?
I guess I know the answer for myself at least. There is most definitely something beautiful about the clouds I have been seeing this year. It has been happening throughout these last months and I can't keep my eye from looking up to gaze in awe of the clouds in their beauty . This morning as I came to my sunroom for my quiet time with my savior I noticed right away the way the thick,full, rain threatening clouds kept rolling on and off to my left. They drew me in and no matter how many times I keep looking back to my reading and praying I could not help but sneak a peak again and again.
        The sun is now shining through as the clouds have parted quite a bit to allow for its beauty and light to shine. As I type this thought I think about my own life full of stuff that clouds my shine that God created in me to shine out there for those in my basket of life. I do want to be a light for others to see and give hope to in the midst of dark and cloudy days . We all have our lights and those clouds that keep us from shining out . I want to see with God's perspective what those clouds are and how they are meant to make my light shine even more intense than it would without them. I can't dispel all those clouds but I can look at them differently. Maybe that is why this year I have been so mesmerized by the clouds and their beauty. I have asked my husband many times this year " Is it me or are the clouds different ?"   You know I don't think I can tell you how he answered. I have been too busy looking up admiring the clouds.
       Life's clouds can be so intense they sap the beauty of our lights right out of us to the point we are covered in heaviness and weighted down, our light unable to be seen. We can look up to the One who gives us that light and ask for his light to shine in and through us so we can see with his perspective the beauty of those clouds. Today I am praying for His glorious light to overshadow the clouds that threaten to hide my light. His light is above all, and beyond all, and over all!
      At this moment I am able to look at not only the clouds in the sky above me , but my own clouds threatening more rain, worse yet, snow and cold, and say Lord God, you have created me for light and you knew there would be days I am hard pressed to shine .  I need your perspective of my clouds and your power to shine amidst the clouds and all that comes with them . Thank you Jesus .
          Isaiah 42:16
I will bring the blind by a way they did not know; I will lead them in paths they have not known .
I will make darkness light before them , and crooked places straight. These things I will do for them ,
And not forsake them.
  Some times we are blinded by our clouds and the many days we have them . But with God we can keep going as he prepares the way ahead. Amen

Snow Day

                                Twenty one degrees this morning and snow.
Well it is looking a lot more like winter here in Vermont right now and I am reminded I don't particularly like this start to what will be my next four months. We have snow on the ground but not much, it keeps coming off and on but not amounting to much and it is that voice that keeps saying: it is here, the change is now, are you ready? I had to take a run to the bank earlier today and the roads were icy from the snow that packed on it . There are sections of road to where I go do my banking that I have known for years that are treacherous throughout the snow and cold season. I have come upon many a car run off the road or upside down due to the conditions that are worse in that section of road. My drive is about fifteen to twenty minutes to the bank depending on the weather. So I drove safely minding the conditions and surprised that cars behind me seemed to be doing the same. I had no one trying to push me along or pass me so I am thankful.
       Prayer is always the first order of my day and although I had been in prayer earlier I was once again askIng for safety for myself and others around me . Prayer is an amazing thing and holding much power as we (in this case mentally) kneel before The Lord and petition him for needs. In prayer one gets to talk to God and hopefully we listen for him as well. I know I struggle with the listening part many times. Too often I want to tell Him all the stuff that is bothering me and how I feel I need these petitions answered. I wonder what God thinks of his child that just comes to him and rattles off her requests and carries on man times disregarding the awesomeness of the One I am coming to?
As I type this I feel ashamed that I can be so disrespectful to God in prayer. I say a silent prayer of confession to The Lord even now. You see I don't want to treat God like a Santa Claus or genie I want to be mindful of who he is and how he loves me so much at all times. Like the drive to the bank this morning I need to be mindful of the power of the conditions to which I come to my Father God.
    If I always run and just throw up prayers to God without taking thought of Him and what prayer is all about I am going to miss the blessing of His presence like a child who misses the love of its parents in the giving of their time and love in their greedy desire for what they can get .
There is so much more to the relationship between God and his children that we should not want to miss any piece of it. Our  God is a generous God with love that is unconditional toward us . I have life and breath and movement in not only my body but my mind and spirit as well because He gave it to me . So I choose to honor him with my prayer life alone with all my life. I need his help to do this and  that is ok he loves to help me.
  Psalm 73:26
God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever .
   John 16:33 ( amplified Bible)
I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have ( perfect) peace and confidence.
   Matthew 11:28
Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

   Lord Jesus ,
Thank you for your presence that stays with me at all times. Thank you for love unending, faithful and always true. I acknowledge my selfish ambitions and prayers prayed in a flurry and with disregard for your desires and love for me . I cannot do my life with out you Lord Jesus, and I desire to know you in new ways . So  help me take time in prayer to listen and then obey. Thank you. Amen

Transplant Day

  

Peace

Today I am transplanting some house plants that were given to me when a dear adopted mom I had passed away.

I am not a good person to have plants but I do enjoy them. In the past I have been one to kill all my plants. So when I was

given these plants I was scared. I love my adopted mom ! I knew she treasured her plants and made them not only flourish but thrive well. So for this plant killing woman to receive these was a serious commitment to the plants and to my dear departed mom. 

   Today I decided with the encouragement of my husband, who by the way has a green thumb, to transplant these beauties

and give them a boost before we settle in for the long winters rest. Surprisingly the plants have done well and are growing 

and in need for this transplant. Now I have no idea what time of year is best to transplant house plants or any of that which comes along with raising well adjusted house plants.  My husband had already gotten me some wonderful soil from out in our field a few weeks ago and I had it  out on our porch waiting for this day. I had brought it the other day to  warm in my kitchen awaiting the day I would do this. The task is nearly completed and I am now waiting on another large bucket of soil to warm so I can complete my project.

    So now I try to bring this blog subject into the realm of my life and how transplanting house plants can relate to my spiritual process with Jesus Christ. In order to do this I looked up the word transplant to get a better understanding of what it means. I love using this wonderful Wordflex app I have on my iPad so this gives me the chance to use it again.  First of all I notice at the bottom left hand side of the page the derivatives and transplanter is standing out to me, but onward to the word transplant I go. Definition: a person or thing that has been moved to a new place or situation. I also see these words : displace, relocate, shift, resettle. move, uproot, and the definition of replant {a plant} in another place. Well this certainly can be a definition for me at this time in my life as well as the whole spiritual life I am living. 

    One of the Scriptures God has given me as I do this online Bible study , "A Confident Heart ", is in Isaiah 43 verse 19 .

This verse is much needed for me as I am facing this place I am in at this time in my life. At times I feel so wound up tight. I guess I can see in this the way those roots in some of those plants I just transplanted were so tightly wrapped into each other. Some of the plants even had a rubber drain thing in the bottom that they had literally wrapped so tightly about that I did not see until I  felt it as I was trying to loosen the dirt to resettle the plant down into the new dirt in a new pot. I wonder now as I sit typing my thoughts in this blog what my life looks like to God {Transplanter}as he is planning new things for me at this time in my life. I am so busy wrapping my heart and my life around the roots of what used to be and all I know right here, right now, that I cannot see what God sees. Is God , like me with these root bound plants, transplanting me into a new pot with new soil for a new purpose? I believe he is ! The plants, unlike me, can't fight me in the process of the transplanting . I don't really want to fight against God but it comes so naturally for me. 

   I know I can trust God for all my tomorrows and have seen him do amazing things in and through some really terrible things. So I will step back and prepare my heart for the transplant that God so graciously does in a wonderful way. I am thankful he does all things well ! He makes no mistakes! I am thankful he sees the things I am wrapped around {like the rubber drain things in my plants } that are keeping me from growing and digging in deeper to get out of this life what He has for me. So today I am praying for this transplant to be a success, not only for my plants, but the transplant God is doing in me.  

     Isaiah 43:19 

 Behold, I will doing a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. 

Lord Jesus, 

  Thank you that you will do a new thing in my life. Thank you that you alone can make my roots to reestablish in this new place you are planting me at this time in my life. Thank you that you will see me through the transplant and that unlike me in my inabilities with house plants , You are the great Transplanter and will not let my spirit die in this new soil you are setting me into. Give me, Jesus , the will and want to to set down in this new place and grow deeper into Your Word and the power you have given me to be a success in what ever this new planting has for me. Amen. 

Think~~>Feel~~>Live

       Today I am all about blogging for my sisters in Christ from my online Bible study.
the online study is all about a confident heart in Christ and knowing who I am in Christ . We are using the book written by : Renee Swope ~ A Confident Heart .  
    In the chapter we have been reading this week she talks about how like a radio has AM and FM frequencies our thoughts have this too. She says that AM thoughts are thoughts against me, and the FM thoughts are for me. This really resonated with me as I so struggle with thinking very negative thoughts against myself. I have done this for so long I couldn't tell you when it ll started. So I sat up while reading and paid close attention to what came next in these pages. I will need to work on my thoughts from here on out in order to change this and become a confident woman in Christ !
    So now I will be doing some processing of my AM thinking and say some statements like : when doubt comes against me I will rely on the truth that God is for me ! And then I will have a verse from God's word to prove what God says about me. His word is for us , yes, that is for you ! God loves us so much and he wants us to be confident in him . I grew up being taught from God's word and knew he loved me but some how I just never have totally believed  to the point of accepting that his great love means I am totally accepted as I am . I struggle with the idea I have to be good enough as isn't that what we learn in this life? I am learning more about Grace , God's Grace, that says I don't have to be perfect, that in fact He made a way for me in my imperfection and that he loves me , wants me , is working for me, that he says I am His Masterpiece .  Wow God's masterpiece ! So many new thoughts and actions I need to put into my life now. If I truly want to get rid on AM (against me) thoughts and have more FM (for me) thoughts I need God's word to be planted deep down in my heart and by memorizing his words of truth I can do just that!

                Psalm 139:13,15
For you created my inmost being ; you knit me together in my mothers womb.
My frAme was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place , when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Days of Rest

                     The walk is done and went well but I needed to shut down for a while.
The Out of the Darkness walk went well for us and in spite of only a month of planning we did good. I have been resting my mind since it was completed and have realized that this was much harder on me than I had thought. The struggle within is much more than I am not a planner or organizer it is that I have lost a son. The actual planning and organizing was the easier of this task because of the afsp director who helped in so many ways and the volunteers and family who made this happen. Now in the after days I am dealing with what brought this walk to be in the first place ~~ my precious son who is no longer here . This time of year is always hard on us as a family . While others are planing and thinking of the upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings we are in a different place. Whether we want to deal with it or not it arrives in a stronger more palpable push.
 You see my mom passed in October the same year my son left me . She left just two months before him taking a piece or two of me with her. The reality of that had not even sunk in and then the phone call and the horrendous blow of my handsome, and amazing, life living son was gone. I do not sit and dwell on this day after day as some may think,it forces it's way up and in my face many times .  I choose to live life. I believe life is for living and I want to live it just as that thought had come to me the very night I realized my son was gone and by his own hand. I still believe that thought was a gift to me and maybe God forced that thought deep into me that night as my son knew it in reality from his vantage point above . A gift from the Giver of life and my son I believe .
  So I have been resting and praying and studying the Word of God in these last days since the walk. But the rest is not without memories of my loss and the time of year. I still look forward to family together and the gift of these lives in our children and their life living and who they are. I am so very blessed ! I am so very thankful!  And yet deep within I am so very hurt and so deeply pained and struggling with Zeb's not being here. My mom is greatly missed too and this time of year is hard without her too. Moms are precious and so needed in every day life. As I settle in to this time of year with the cold and snow and all that will soon be upon us here in New England I must draw from the strength of support I have to get through. Already my mind is planning and thinking of  that night and the way we now hold a vigil at his grave lighting candles, talking of what we love about him and being together doing a more positive thing than sitting alone with our thoughts and memories of the way it went down. Some of us will make snow angels for him and mom that night. We take pictures and each year  plan some new thing we can do to memorialize yet another year without him.
And All the while we cannot believe another year has passed with out him , without mom.
    Prayer is an awesome thing and we pray and we sing even and move past that night with sadness but also joy they a family can meet in a cemetery and feel life where one would expect to feel death. We know that mom and Zeb are not there. Their spirits are not , their bodies yes. So we go to their bodies resting place to rejoice even in our sorrow, our dread, for we know we will one day see them again . We are believers in Jesus Christ and his resurrection power so we see beyond this worlds graves. John 11:25 says : " I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in Me will live, even though they die; ...  Our mom and our Zeb believed and so we know that one day we will see them again being believers in the Jesus Christ and his forgiveness of sins and his in dwelling Holy Spirit when we come to him for his power to forgive and remake us.
   Some may believe differently and that is ok but for us our salvation is in no other than Jesus Christ himself .

God's Unfailing Love

                                                          A song of praise to my God.  
       As I've wandered my life's pathway looking more for my own way you came along beside me and heard me as I prayed. I heard of you from childhood at my mommas knee and watched her as she loved you and saw that you loved me. The pathways I have chosen, at times so steeped with sin, but never have you left me and still you took me in. The times I have withdrawn from you were worthless wastes of time and left me more in need of you than when it first began . So now my soul it seeks for you in times of  rest and pain all because you sought me and bought me with your pain.
     Your days of walking on this earth were fraught with deepest pains in seeking to deliver me from Satans lure and stain. The sins that come to every man from birth unto the grave you came to destroy and with the cross you set us free.Lord Jesus, thank you for your precious blood you so freely shed for me,and for  the sins you bore to bring me healing at the cross.
   I pray my life will be a walk that shines  your love around and brings to you the glory that you so deserve . So take this life I am living and fill me with your love I want to be your vessel pouring out of what you've done.  Feed me with your manna that comes from you above.
   
         Psalm 36:7
"How excellent is Your loving kindness, O God; therefore , the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings.""

Monday , Monday what will it bring?

                                           I wake to Monday with a weariness.
      This morning I am so tired that I even briefly considered a lie in . Thank God it 
Passed and I was able to face my new day. Days like this make it easier for me to 
Pray for strength . Some days it is easy to get up and go and not give a lot of thought 
That I still need to give the day the The Lord . So this morning I prayed for strength to get into His word first thing. I don't want to miss a thing God has planned for this day. I know that in this state of weariness it will be easy to end up vegetating in front of my computer or just being totally mindless because my brain wants to shut down. I have a confession to make I envy people who are able to go from the time they get up to the time they settle into bed at night . I have to pray for God to remove this envy when it rears its ugly head. I am made by God and unique in that so I must be thankful for how he has made me. Of course I want to be all God created me to be so I have to keep relying on God to give me courage to do just that . 
   So today I come to my quiet place here on my couch, in my sunroom I settle in and begin my time to search God's  Word and wait for Him to fill me up with his perspective and truths to sustain me today. Every time I do this my days are far more productive and my mind and heart are satisfied as I go to bed. No, I may never be as those who wake and hit the floor running , but I will by God's unique design for me and with His inpouring fulfill what he has for me in any day. Thank God!
       Psalm 37: 31 
 " The law of his God is in his heart; his steps do not slip." 
So I say The law of my God is in my heart ; and my steps do not slip." 
  
Isaiah 41:10 
 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you , yes , I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand .
   How can I not rejoice when I have these promises from God. 
Thank you Lord that I can be the uniquely designed woman you made me to be and trust as I seek your face you will fulfill all that pertains to me in this glorious day before me. I love you Lord . Amen 

Seven Days Out

                              Just seven days until our Out of the Darkness walk .
   This also would have been my son's 27th birthday . It feels like I am doing something for my Zeb in celebration like any one would do for their child's birthday. How ironic that it is more about memorializing him and honoring his life by trying to help others in the same place he was just 5 years ago December 28th. It is so close now to the day and I am praying I have covered all that needs be covered to make this walk a success. I am so thankful for afsp.org and their work to prevent suicide. The director is such a help as I call and go over what to do next and brain storm with her so she can help me get it all in and done well. My volunteers are a great help and are excited to make this a success and I know my son would be honored to know we are doing this for others . He was about others and liked helping them. He had a big heart and kind soul. I am proud to be his mom!
   I wish he were still here and this were our mission together and not a mission come about from losing him. But it is what it is and we move ahead to do this in memory of  our amazing young man who left us too soon. So a I write this I think maybe there is someone reading this who is struggling and feeling alone and hopeless like life is not worth living. My  heart cries out to you and asks for you to seek help. Call this number 1-800-273-8255 . If you are not in the United States I hope you will contact a hotline in your area for help. I am sorry I don't have that number for you . You can check International Association of Suicide Prevention and Befrienders.org .
    So for now I will look to and hold onto ( I hope you will too ) these verses from the Bible :
Matthew 11:28-30
   Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.