Today

           It is amazing how there are repercussions from just writing down your thoughts and feelings.
They have been within all along some where in the deepest recesses of my consciousness. But..... I have been living and doing as one must when alive . Today I am so very tired. Today I am spent from heartache and the struggle of losing a child. I dreamed of him last night. He was alive and here and we both knew he had been gone.. But not just gone as one goes on a vacation and returns. We knew it was amazing he was here at all. I first became aware of his return when I saw him on a tractor he was playing around on out in the field. He loved to have fun and play hard. So it was natural in the dream he was playing on that tractor. I went to him and we were happy he was here, alive and together. Yet, he and I both knew it was short lived . We got in his truck went to town and met friends of his and he wanted to stop and we discussed how it would freak them out to see him knowing he had died. I hate that word! I hate that reality! My every instinct pulls back from thinking it or even typing it out here. Maybe it is because some how it will make it true . But it.is.True! Of course his friends were so happy to see him and as casually as I had greeted him, so did they . We all knew it was so strange he was just able to be here like this. As all dreams go it ended . He left with friends and I awake to that empty place where he is not. So today, today I wrestle again with his leaving and his choice,my pain and the empty place in my heart where he resides. Today there is no living in the land of life as though he is just at his place doing his things he loved to do. Today I walk as a weary one in the wilderness of the remnants of death .
        Today I return to the place that God gave me the day of his visiting hours at the funeral home. We drove the long ride and I had my Bible in my lap and was quietly praying and asking God for something to get me through this terrible nightmare! And He did! Psalm 18 : 16 - 19 says : He sent from above, He took me; He drew me out of many waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, from those who hated me, for they were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, But The Lord was my support. He also brought me out into a broad place; He delivered me because He delighted in me.  I took this as what God had done for my precious son. I could see him in that broad place ( heaven ) and The Lord delighting in my son, just as I have and still do in the memories of his precious life we shared. So today , today is what it is. I will trust in my God and his mighty power to save and rescue.