A song of praise to my God.
As I've wandered my life's pathway looking more for my own way you came along beside me and heard me as I prayed. I heard of you from childhood at my mommas knee and watched her as she loved you and saw that you loved me. The pathways I have chosen, at times so steeped with sin, but never have you left me and still you took me in. The times I have withdrawn from you were worthless wastes of time and left me more in need of you than when it first began . So now my soul it seeks for you in times of rest and pain all because you sought me and bought me with your pain.
Your days of walking on this earth were fraught with deepest pains in seeking to deliver me from Satans lure and stain. The sins that come to every man from birth unto the grave you came to destroy and with the cross you set us free.Lord Jesus, thank you for your precious blood you so freely shed for me,and for the sins you bore to bring me healing at the cross.
I pray my life will be a walk that shines your love around and brings to you the glory that you so deserve . So take this life I am living and fill me with your love I want to be your vessel pouring out of what you've done. Feed me with your manna that comes from you above.
Psalm 36:7
"How excellent is Your loving kindness, O God; therefore , the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings.""
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
Monday , Monday what will it bring?
I wake to Monday with a weariness.
This morning I am so tired that I even briefly considered a lie in . Thank God it
Passed and I was able to face my new day. Days like this make it easier for me to
Pray for strength . Some days it is easy to get up and go and not give a lot of thought
That I still need to give the day the The Lord . So this morning I prayed for strength to get into His word first thing. I don't want to miss a thing God has planned for this day. I know that in this state of weariness it will be easy to end up vegetating in front of my computer or just being totally mindless because my brain wants to shut down. I have a confession to make I envy people who are able to go from the time they get up to the time they settle into bed at night . I have to pray for God to remove this envy when it rears its ugly head. I am made by God and unique in that so I must be thankful for how he has made me. Of course I want to be all God created me to be so I have to keep relying on God to give me courage to do just that .
So today I come to my quiet place here on my couch, in my sunroom I settle in and begin my time to search God's Word and wait for Him to fill me up with his perspective and truths to sustain me today. Every time I do this my days are far more productive and my mind and heart are satisfied as I go to bed. No, I may never be as those who wake and hit the floor running , but I will by God's unique design for me and with His inpouring fulfill what he has for me in any day. Thank God!
Psalm 37: 31
" The law of his God is in his heart; his steps do not slip."
So I say The law of my God is in my heart ; and my steps do not slip."
Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you , yes , I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand .
How can I not rejoice when I have these promises from God.
Thank you Lord that I can be the uniquely designed woman you made me to be and trust as I seek your face you will fulfill all that pertains to me in this glorious day before me. I love you Lord . Amen
This morning I am so tired that I even briefly considered a lie in . Thank God it
Passed and I was able to face my new day. Days like this make it easier for me to
Pray for strength . Some days it is easy to get up and go and not give a lot of thought
That I still need to give the day the The Lord . So this morning I prayed for strength to get into His word first thing. I don't want to miss a thing God has planned for this day. I know that in this state of weariness it will be easy to end up vegetating in front of my computer or just being totally mindless because my brain wants to shut down. I have a confession to make I envy people who are able to go from the time they get up to the time they settle into bed at night . I have to pray for God to remove this envy when it rears its ugly head. I am made by God and unique in that so I must be thankful for how he has made me. Of course I want to be all God created me to be so I have to keep relying on God to give me courage to do just that .
So today I come to my quiet place here on my couch, in my sunroom I settle in and begin my time to search God's Word and wait for Him to fill me up with his perspective and truths to sustain me today. Every time I do this my days are far more productive and my mind and heart are satisfied as I go to bed. No, I may never be as those who wake and hit the floor running , but I will by God's unique design for me and with His inpouring fulfill what he has for me in any day. Thank God!
Psalm 37: 31
" The law of his God is in his heart; his steps do not slip."
So I say The law of my God is in my heart ; and my steps do not slip."
Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you , yes , I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand .
How can I not rejoice when I have these promises from God.
Thank you Lord that I can be the uniquely designed woman you made me to be and trust as I seek your face you will fulfill all that pertains to me in this glorious day before me. I love you Lord . Amen
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Seven Days Out
Just seven days until our Out of the Darkness walk .
This also would have been my son's 27th birthday . It feels like I am doing something for my Zeb in celebration like any one would do for their child's birthday. How ironic that it is more about memorializing him and honoring his life by trying to help others in the same place he was just 5 years ago December 28th. It is so close now to the day and I am praying I have covered all that needs be covered to make this walk a success. I am so thankful for afsp.org and their work to prevent suicide. The director is such a help as I call and go over what to do next and brain storm with her so she can help me get it all in and done well. My volunteers are a great help and are excited to make this a success and I know my son would be honored to know we are doing this for others . He was about others and liked helping them. He had a big heart and kind soul. I am proud to be his mom!
I wish he were still here and this were our mission together and not a mission come about from losing him. But it is what it is and we move ahead to do this in memory of our amazing young man who left us too soon. So a I write this I think maybe there is someone reading this who is struggling and feeling alone and hopeless like life is not worth living. My heart cries out to you and asks for you to seek help. Call this number 1-800-273-8255 . If you are not in the United States I hope you will contact a hotline in your area for help. I am sorry I don't have that number for you . You can check International Association of Suicide Prevention and Befrienders.org .
So for now I will look to and hold onto ( I hope you will too ) these verses from the Bible :
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.
This also would have been my son's 27th birthday . It feels like I am doing something for my Zeb in celebration like any one would do for their child's birthday. How ironic that it is more about memorializing him and honoring his life by trying to help others in the same place he was just 5 years ago December 28th. It is so close now to the day and I am praying I have covered all that needs be covered to make this walk a success. I am so thankful for afsp.org and their work to prevent suicide. The director is such a help as I call and go over what to do next and brain storm with her so she can help me get it all in and done well. My volunteers are a great help and are excited to make this a success and I know my son would be honored to know we are doing this for others . He was about others and liked helping them. He had a big heart and kind soul. I am proud to be his mom!
I wish he were still here and this were our mission together and not a mission come about from losing him. But it is what it is and we move ahead to do this in memory of our amazing young man who left us too soon. So a I write this I think maybe there is someone reading this who is struggling and feeling alone and hopeless like life is not worth living. My heart cries out to you and asks for you to seek help. Call this number 1-800-273-8255 . If you are not in the United States I hope you will contact a hotline in your area for help. I am sorry I don't have that number for you . You can check International Association of Suicide Prevention and Befrienders.org .
So for now I will look to and hold onto ( I hope you will too ) these verses from the Bible :
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
A day in the life of ....
A day in the life of ? Of what one might ask?. Well even I am scratching my head on this one.
I started this blog because of the online Bible study I was doing and it seemed like a good thing
at the time but lately I think who cares about my rambling ons? And truly who cares about a day in my life ? But I know that One does care and that He is always present and meeting me where I am at. I have been seeing His hand on my days a lot . So I am going to keep writing in this blog and do my best to believe that it is a good thing for me to do for myself if that is all that it does.
The walk planning is coming alone nicely and today I realized we only have 10 more days and I am relieved to see it coming to a close soon I am also very nervous. This is about making a difference in others lives as well as making some sense in my grieving of my precious son. So I keep working with others who are dedicated to this mission and we help one another with our own unique gifts . It is looking good so far and in a matter of 9 days now it will be here and finished for this year. Note I said this year . Yes it is set in motion with hopes for a yearly walk to prevent suicide and make others aware of this much hushed and stigmatized way loved ones die. So with the help of many volunteers and the American foundation to prevent Suicide we will get this set and set well in memory of the many loved ones who have gone by suicide . So the day in the life is not just mine but many others and I am just a small part of this day.
Proverbs 24: 3-6
It takes wisdom to build a house, and understanding to set it on a firm foundation;
It takes knowledge to furnish its rooms with fine furniture and beautiful draperies.
It's better to be wise than strong; intelligence outranks muscle any day.
Strategic planning is the key to warfare ; to win, you need a lot of good counsel.
Thank you lord that you have surrounded me with good counsel and given me strength to do this task
With many others to help . We need your guiding force to get this done and to be successful in getting the word out to help others along their journey whether in prevention , or the grieving, or in educating people to be aware and making a difference . We thank you Jesus, amen.
I started this blog because of the online Bible study I was doing and it seemed like a good thing
at the time but lately I think who cares about my rambling ons? And truly who cares about a day in my life ? But I know that One does care and that He is always present and meeting me where I am at. I have been seeing His hand on my days a lot . So I am going to keep writing in this blog and do my best to believe that it is a good thing for me to do for myself if that is all that it does.
The walk planning is coming alone nicely and today I realized we only have 10 more days and I am relieved to see it coming to a close soon I am also very nervous. This is about making a difference in others lives as well as making some sense in my grieving of my precious son. So I keep working with others who are dedicated to this mission and we help one another with our own unique gifts . It is looking good so far and in a matter of 9 days now it will be here and finished for this year. Note I said this year . Yes it is set in motion with hopes for a yearly walk to prevent suicide and make others aware of this much hushed and stigmatized way loved ones die. So with the help of many volunteers and the American foundation to prevent Suicide we will get this set and set well in memory of the many loved ones who have gone by suicide . So the day in the life is not just mine but many others and I am just a small part of this day.
Proverbs 24: 3-6
It takes wisdom to build a house, and understanding to set it on a firm foundation;
It takes knowledge to furnish its rooms with fine furniture and beautiful draperies.
It's better to be wise than strong; intelligence outranks muscle any day.
Strategic planning is the key to warfare ; to win, you need a lot of good counsel.
Thank you lord that you have surrounded me with good counsel and given me strength to do this task
With many others to help . We need your guiding force to get this done and to be successful in getting the word out to help others along their journey whether in prevention , or the grieving, or in educating people to be aware and making a difference . We thank you Jesus, amen.
Monday, October 14, 2013
When life is out of control
As I begin to put my thoughts to this days blog I think about the title.
When life is out of control sounds an awful lot like I really have control. But do I , really? Of course I do to some degree but so much is out of my control. I can control my thoughts and choices but I cannot do that for others , nor they for me . This last week in the middle of all my planning I received word from one of my adult children that they are very ill. The starting of feelings of being out of control rushed through me. My child said she had nearly passed out as she went for blood work and not once but twice. My mother instincts were on high alert. This child is across the ocean studying abroad and I have no passport, nor does my husband . The adrenaline was now pushing me into high alert speaking such things as run, get to her now! Of course rational thinking said but you cannot .
Out of control seems like an understatement for me as I wrestled with fear and anxiety over what is going on within my daughters body. Is it flu? Is it this or that ? I ask a bunch of questions and I get more of that sense of "out of contol" and more fearful. It is now I pray and pray hard. I seek for God's filling power to with stand the thoughts that assail me. After all haven't I stood on the verse from Jeremiah 29 : 11 for I know the plans I have for you , plans not to harm you , but to prosper you and give you a future and a hope. But this was far from my idea of not harm or prospering .
The last week is a blur as we have waited on a better report from our daughter and each day she is worse or holding in the same pattern of sickness. I have gone between faith and doubt. My thoughts at times sure it is a flu and fatigue from the requirements of college work and activities. At other times I have been deeply entrenched in negative thought so of what worse case scenario we are looking at. Some may say what a negative outlook, and yes it is negative and so soon in her illness but I have lost a child and so I know , I know, so well that it happens !! That one day you are living life and you have your precious children about doing life and the next a phone call. A phone call that changes every thing . And then you are almost 5 years out from that call, that devastation and you are planning a suicide prevention walk and you know.... You know that life is not always going to go like we think it should go. You know you do not have as much control as you like to think.That terrible surprises happen . So today as I get word of more moments of near passing out and no improvement and no results from bloodwork I have to choose what I will do with my faith in the midst of this .
So what will I do with this? I have reached out to more prayer warriors and I have prayed and cried out to God. I have read verses and asked God to help me . I have gotten angry and wondered why this is necessary at all . I don't know about you but I do not like want I consider unnecessary things to happen . Unnecessary isn't really what I want to say here , it is bad things . I don't want bad things to happen . No one does ! But they do and so my faith in Christ must hunker down in to the depths of Him . My faith is weak and fickle. I need my savior to lead me in paths of deeper faith . This is where it happens . Oh but I don't like this part of growing in faith. How about you?
So today my prayer is from Psalm 27: 8. ". My heart says of you, ' Seek His face !" Your face , Lord, I will seek." And also : Isaiah 49:23b. " Then you will know that I am The Lord. Those who hope in Me will not be disappointed. "
When life is out of control sounds an awful lot like I really have control. But do I , really? Of course I do to some degree but so much is out of my control. I can control my thoughts and choices but I cannot do that for others , nor they for me . This last week in the middle of all my planning I received word from one of my adult children that they are very ill. The starting of feelings of being out of control rushed through me. My child said she had nearly passed out as she went for blood work and not once but twice. My mother instincts were on high alert. This child is across the ocean studying abroad and I have no passport, nor does my husband . The adrenaline was now pushing me into high alert speaking such things as run, get to her now! Of course rational thinking said but you cannot .
Out of control seems like an understatement for me as I wrestled with fear and anxiety over what is going on within my daughters body. Is it flu? Is it this or that ? I ask a bunch of questions and I get more of that sense of "out of contol" and more fearful. It is now I pray and pray hard. I seek for God's filling power to with stand the thoughts that assail me. After all haven't I stood on the verse from Jeremiah 29 : 11 for I know the plans I have for you , plans not to harm you , but to prosper you and give you a future and a hope. But this was far from my idea of not harm or prospering .
The last week is a blur as we have waited on a better report from our daughter and each day she is worse or holding in the same pattern of sickness. I have gone between faith and doubt. My thoughts at times sure it is a flu and fatigue from the requirements of college work and activities. At other times I have been deeply entrenched in negative thought so of what worse case scenario we are looking at. Some may say what a negative outlook, and yes it is negative and so soon in her illness but I have lost a child and so I know , I know, so well that it happens !! That one day you are living life and you have your precious children about doing life and the next a phone call. A phone call that changes every thing . And then you are almost 5 years out from that call, that devastation and you are planning a suicide prevention walk and you know.... You know that life is not always going to go like we think it should go. You know you do not have as much control as you like to think.That terrible surprises happen . So today as I get word of more moments of near passing out and no improvement and no results from bloodwork I have to choose what I will do with my faith in the midst of this .
So what will I do with this? I have reached out to more prayer warriors and I have prayed and cried out to God. I have read verses and asked God to help me . I have gotten angry and wondered why this is necessary at all . I don't know about you but I do not like want I consider unnecessary things to happen . Unnecessary isn't really what I want to say here , it is bad things . I don't want bad things to happen . No one does ! But they do and so my faith in Christ must hunker down in to the depths of Him . My faith is weak and fickle. I need my savior to lead me in paths of deeper faith . This is where it happens . Oh but I don't like this part of growing in faith. How about you?
So today my prayer is from Psalm 27: 8. ". My heart says of you, ' Seek His face !" Your face , Lord, I will seek." And also : Isaiah 49:23b. " Then you will know that I am The Lord. Those who hope in Me will not be disappointed. "
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Busyness
So much to do in planning a fund raiser walk.
I am a bit worn and under the weather today. Last week I got to meet with a couple old friends of my sons who are wanting to help in this suicide awareness and prevention walk. I am blessed and not alone. It is odd to feel this excitement preparing for this when the reason behind it is you lost your
Child to suicide. Does that make any sense to you? In some strange way it is because I am somehow doing some thing for my son. I am some how keeping his name, his life, in the here and now .
I am thankful that some how this will bring some one hope and healing, may prevent some one else from taking their own life. My Zeb would want that, I know he would! So along with the planning is daily prayers for the walk and the weather as this late in the season it could be a nasty mix. I just thought of a new way I should be praying over this endeavor and that is for the blessings to be many in other people's lives because of this " Out of the Darkness Walk" . Amen
My quiet time in my sun room has been much less and I am feeling the effects of it . My prayers have been many but they are busyness prayers. I am not liking that . I continue to go with my husband each morning for our trip into town to get a coffee and go for a little ride around our loop of country back roads for our morning date and prayer time. A great thing for a couple to do in so many ways. But I feel the lacking of my one on one with my savior. I pray He will hold me fast as I am not holding so fast to him . I know He is holding me fast or I would not be able to do this so I praise my God for his steadfast love and faithfulness to me.
The steadfast love of the Father is unsearchable and unfathomable. His unfailing love is new every morning. Great is His faithfulness. I so need those truths to be locked down in my deepest places . So I close with this Scripture verse : Proverbs 16:3 ~ Commit your works to The Lord, and your thoughts will be established. So that is what I a doing if I wasn't before I am now ! This work is bigger than myself and I am relying on God for this walk . A walk that is not just a suicide prevention walk but a daily getting up and doing this life .
Lord Jesus,
Life is busy and I need you to sustain me and keep me in You . Walk me through this new day and every new day you give me. Thank you Jesus for your steadfast and unfailing love. Amen
I am a bit worn and under the weather today. Last week I got to meet with a couple old friends of my sons who are wanting to help in this suicide awareness and prevention walk. I am blessed and not alone. It is odd to feel this excitement preparing for this when the reason behind it is you lost your
Child to suicide. Does that make any sense to you? In some strange way it is because I am somehow doing some thing for my son. I am some how keeping his name, his life, in the here and now .
I am thankful that some how this will bring some one hope and healing, may prevent some one else from taking their own life. My Zeb would want that, I know he would! So along with the planning is daily prayers for the walk and the weather as this late in the season it could be a nasty mix. I just thought of a new way I should be praying over this endeavor and that is for the blessings to be many in other people's lives because of this " Out of the Darkness Walk" . Amen
My quiet time in my sun room has been much less and I am feeling the effects of it . My prayers have been many but they are busyness prayers. I am not liking that . I continue to go with my husband each morning for our trip into town to get a coffee and go for a little ride around our loop of country back roads for our morning date and prayer time. A great thing for a couple to do in so many ways. But I feel the lacking of my one on one with my savior. I pray He will hold me fast as I am not holding so fast to him . I know He is holding me fast or I would not be able to do this so I praise my God for his steadfast love and faithfulness to me.
The steadfast love of the Father is unsearchable and unfathomable. His unfailing love is new every morning. Great is His faithfulness. I so need those truths to be locked down in my deepest places . So I close with this Scripture verse : Proverbs 16:3 ~ Commit your works to The Lord, and your thoughts will be established. So that is what I a doing if I wasn't before I am now ! This work is bigger than myself and I am relying on God for this walk . A walk that is not just a suicide prevention walk but a daily getting up and doing this life .
Lord Jesus,
Life is busy and I need you to sustain me and keep me in You . Walk me through this new day and every new day you give me. Thank you Jesus for your steadfast and unfailing love. Amen
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Planning ~ Meeting ~ Deadline
My days seem to be filled with thoughts and doings surrounding the Out of the Darkness walk .
Expected of course, but a bit overwhelming at times. I find myself switching between feelings of wanting this to be behind me and trying to get pumped up for the actual event and all it will do for the community it is being held in, and my family and myself, as we experience a powerful push forward toward some good coming from my son's death.
I have been blessed with some amazing people just in the start of this planning . I know that God is in this and setting the pathway for us. So does that mean I am at rest in this planning ? Not completely as at times panic wants to set in . It is not ideal to plan something of this magnitude in just a month but it is what it is. So we work and plan and set in motion what will culminate in a walk to make people aware of an organization that is working to prevent suicide and educate and we memorial the loved ones who have passed through death by suicide. God help us as we endeavor to prevent more needless deaths and bring help and healing to others.
Today I sat in my sun room and searched some scripture trying to find some way to connect with God as I was feeling distant . The word abide came up in a devotional so I did a word search to just grab a deeper meaning for my distant heart. I love searching word meanings as going deeper . So I prayed a prayer using some of the words and phrases from the word search. I asked God to help me reside and dwell,settle,and make my heart a lodging place for him. I know he heard and that he is in process of making my heart a better dwelling place for him to lodge in. Thank you lord Jesus !
I need to dwell in His Presence each day so I can have rest and not strive in my own abilities that certainly are not up to this task. So I look at these Scripture to soak in more of God's presence for this day. Psalm 139: 7~9 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence ? If I go up to the heavens, you are there ; if I make my bed in the depths , you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, " Surely the darkness will hide me even the light become as night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you ; the night will shine like the day , for darkness Is as light to you.
Lord Jesus, thank you for your never failing and steadfast love for me . I need you more and more each new day. Make my heart your dwelling place . Amen
Expected of course, but a bit overwhelming at times. I find myself switching between feelings of wanting this to be behind me and trying to get pumped up for the actual event and all it will do for the community it is being held in, and my family and myself, as we experience a powerful push forward toward some good coming from my son's death.
I have been blessed with some amazing people just in the start of this planning . I know that God is in this and setting the pathway for us. So does that mean I am at rest in this planning ? Not completely as at times panic wants to set in . It is not ideal to plan something of this magnitude in just a month but it is what it is. So we work and plan and set in motion what will culminate in a walk to make people aware of an organization that is working to prevent suicide and educate and we memorial the loved ones who have passed through death by suicide. God help us as we endeavor to prevent more needless deaths and bring help and healing to others.
Today I sat in my sun room and searched some scripture trying to find some way to connect with God as I was feeling distant . The word abide came up in a devotional so I did a word search to just grab a deeper meaning for my distant heart. I love searching word meanings as going deeper . So I prayed a prayer using some of the words and phrases from the word search. I asked God to help me reside and dwell,settle,and make my heart a lodging place for him. I know he heard and that he is in process of making my heart a better dwelling place for him to lodge in. Thank you lord Jesus !
I need to dwell in His Presence each day so I can have rest and not strive in my own abilities that certainly are not up to this task. So I look at these Scripture to soak in more of God's presence for this day. Psalm 139: 7~9 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence ? If I go up to the heavens, you are there ; if I make my bed in the depths , you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, " Surely the darkness will hide me even the light become as night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you ; the night will shine like the day , for darkness Is as light to you.
Lord Jesus, thank you for your never failing and steadfast love for me . I need you more and more each new day. Make my heart your dwelling place . Amen
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