When life is out of control

                 As I begin to put my thoughts to this days blog I think about the title.
When life is out of control sounds an awful lot like I really have control. But do I , really?  Of course I do to some degree but so much is out of my control. I can control my thoughts and choices but I cannot do that for others , nor they for me . This last week in the middle of all my planning I received word from one of my adult children that they are very ill. The starting of feelings of being out of control rushed through me. My child said she had nearly passed out as she went for blood work and not once but twice. My mother instincts were on high alert. This child is across the ocean studying abroad and I have no passport, nor does my husband . The adrenaline was now pushing me into high alert speaking such things as run, get to her now! Of course rational thinking said but you cannot .
     Out of control seems like an understatement for me as I wrestled with fear and anxiety over what is going on within my daughters body. Is it flu? Is it this or that ? I ask a bunch of questions and I get more of that sense of  "out of contol" and more fearful. It is now I pray and pray hard. I seek for God's filling power to with stand the thoughts that assail me. After all haven't I stood on the verse from Jeremiah 29 : 11 for I know the plans I have for you , plans not to harm you , but to prosper you and give you a future and a hope. But this was far from my idea of not harm or prospering .
    The last week is a blur as we have waited on a better report from our daughter and each day she is worse or holding in the same pattern of sickness. I have gone between faith and doubt. My thoughts at times sure it is a flu and fatigue from the requirements of college work and activities. At other times I have been deeply entrenched in negative thought so of what worse case scenario we are looking at. Some may say what a negative outlook, and yes it is negative and so soon in her illness but I have lost a child and so I know , I know, so well that it happens !! That one day you are living life and you have your precious children about doing life and the next a phone call. A phone call that changes every thing . And then you are almost 5 years out from that call, that devastation and you are planning a suicide prevention walk and you know.... You know that life is not always going to go like we think it should go. You know you do not have as much control as you like to think.That terrible surprises happen . So today as I get word of more moments of near passing out and no improvement and no results from bloodwork I have to choose what I will do with my faith in the midst of this .
   So what will I do with this?  I have reached out to more prayer warriors and I have prayed and cried out to God. I have read verses and asked God to help me . I have gotten angry and wondered why this is necessary at all . I don't know about you but I do not like want I consider unnecessary things to happen . Unnecessary isn't  really what  I want to say  here , it is bad things . I don't want bad things to happen . No one does ! But they do and so my faith in Christ must hunker down in to the depths of Him . My faith is weak and fickle. I need my savior to lead me in paths of deeper faith . This is where it happens . Oh but I don't like this part of growing in faith. How about you?
   So today my prayer is from Psalm 27: 8. ". My heart says of you, ' Seek His face !" Your face ,  Lord, I will seek."  And also : Isaiah 49:23b. "  Then you will know that I am The Lord. Those who hope in Me will not be disappointed. "